I recently found an excerpt from The Enchanted Self, A Positive Therapy. This section reveals the way that I initially began to reclaim my own Enchanted Self:

My enchanted self was beginning to emerge, unpeeling as an onion is unpeeled, layer by layer. This is important because I think so many of us shy away from our innermost positive feelings perhaps as much as we do from the dark shadows around us. The search for The Enchanted Self is intimate in revealing and it’s scary – and maybe people really won’t understand or appreciate it. Maybe we have to fight through shame or humiliation before we find it. Maybe we won’t understand or give credit to our own enchanted selves when we do! That would be the most violating thing of all, if I were to find my own enchanted self and then discard it. If I can’t have it anymore, because I thrown it out.

One of my first self-discoveries was recognizing my lost capacities for engaging with people without being paid. As I interviewed the women I realized how much fun I was having, how I felt on equal footing and yet privileged to be hearing their stories, how “female” I felt and how connected. I loved this wonderful opportunity to have time with women that was not social time and yet not work time, either. I began to realize how hungry I had been for this kind of “at ease time” with women. My childhood had pushed me away from such time with women. After all, I had to get out, to get going, to be competent and, often, competitive, not connected.

The second layer was feeling profoundly more connected to women, all women, than I had ever felt before. I found myself suddenly able to ally myself with and have compassion for many women, an ability which had eluded me prior to these interviews. Family members, friends, my mother, all took a softer hue.

As therapists, we can certainly wonder why this hadn’t happened as a result of my training and my time in therapy. After all, I had been exposed to hundreds and hundreds of intimate stories over 15 years. My hunch is that while in the treatment room, I, like any paid healing professional, saw myself, to some extent, as being in the authority position. This may have reinforced some natural biases that I carried with me from my childhood. I think I continue to withhold some deep level of empathy, still seem myself as being apart. When interviewing the women, however, I was automatically their equal, and that placed me differently. Having the privilege of listening to the 18 women, began to listen to other women’s voices with less bias and value judgments. For example, I had always valued certain capacities, such as pragmatic decision-making and the capacity to carry through once a decision had been made. This is a capacity which can be restricted for women. After this glimpse into the girlhood dreams and shattered hopes of many of the women interviewed – the compromises made with life and the painful, yet successful ways of salvaging one’s soul after many lost opportunities – I was able to cross a barrier and join them at some level of womenhood – removing my old iron bars, my negativity and judgments. Buy the Enchanted Self from Amazon.

This is an amazing trip back in time for me. I was about 18 years younger! A lifetime. Since that time the issues I actually dealt with seem remote. I would no longer call them my issues.

Yet, the struggle of staying connected to one’s Enchanted Self rather than selling out to other people’s roadmap’s for your life, your decisions, even your feelings, remains constant. That issue of a successful merger of your own mind, body and soul, rather than a compromise merger, always remains.

Now my dance is a different dance. We all have different dances at each stage of life. The music shifts and the background stage changes but the beat does go on. The ‘beat’ is the reclaiming process of our ENCHANTED SELVES. Listen for that beat, which will show up as feelings in your gut or elsewhere in your body or spirit. Listen for these signals. Hopefully they will tell you are on target for yourself and your needs. But sometimes they will signal you that you are not. Take note and if necessary, sit down, process, get to know yourself again. You may be able to do this by yourself or you may need a buddy, a best friend, or a therapist. Do what you need. Realize you are saving yourself for your life and your future journeys. What could be more precious?

Posted in Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, Fond Memories that Enhance Happy Feelings and tagged , , , , , .