Favorite Quote
By Barbara Holstein | September 5, 2008
Favorite Quote
“…one needs to make three resolutions: Be careful not to
Become angry. Do not become tired and do not feel a
need to complete the work one is starting.”
…Rabbi Salanter
~*~
Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein
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Check out Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein quoted in a major national article on Happiness, On The Edge: The Happiness Craze
By Barbara Holstein | September 5, 2008
On The Edge: The Happiness Craze
August 20, 2008
by Linda Formichelli
A new wave of books about a timeless topic hope to help you—and their eclectic authors—live a better life.
Happiness isn’t a new concept—Aristotle wrote about the topic more than 2,300 years ago and Thomas Jefferson included the “pursuit of happiness” as an unalienable right in the Declaration of Independence—but authors have been flocking to the subject in recent years, unleashing numerous prescriptions for well-being and joy that readers have eagerly purchased.
Why has happiness, or rather the promise of happiness, become such a hot commodity? Even with the downturn in the real estate market and the credit industry, aren’t we already better off than any of our ancestors?
In fact, our financial success has proved to be a mixed blessing, says Marci Shimoff, author of Happy for No Reason: 7 Steps to Being Happy from the Inside Out. “We aren’t splitting logs for a living any more,” she says, “so we have more freedom to explore the topic of happiness. We set numerous goals for ourselves along the lines of ‘I’ll be happy when I find a new job or a new husband or lose 20 pounds.’ Then people achieve the goals that they wanted and still find that something is missing. After a while, you realize you can’t continue to think that the next thing you obtain will finally make you happy.”
Gretchen Rubin, whose book The Happiness Project will be published in 2009, came to the same conclusion after realizing she’d been focusing on everything but the topic at hand. “I was riding in a cab and had a moment of reflection, thinking about what I really wanted out of life. It occurred to me that my top priority was to be happy, but I had never given any thought to what I could do to be happier.”
Finding your happy place
Just as happiness means different things to different people, the authors writing about happiness have approached the topic from multiple points of view. Rubin, for example, is taking the transformative approach of Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love or A. J. Jacobs’ The Year of Living Biblically—she’s documenting a year of her life spent searching for happiness through every recorded method she can find. “I’m not going to move to India or Walden,” she says, “but I did want to go about it in some systematic way.”
Rubin, the author of four books and a former lawyer who clerked under U.S. Supreme Court Associate Justice Sandra Day O’Connor, started reading scientific writings about happiness, pop culture texts and thinkers of the ages. Once her agent suggested a blog, she moved The Happiness Project online (Happiness-Project.com) and has been posting almost every weekday since March 2006.
“I had just wanted to see whether I could get it up and running, (but) then it became successful,” Rubin says. “Now I have an identity and am connecting with new people. By writing about happiness every day, I see the nuances that I had missed. It’s made my thoughts deeper and richer.” Most importantly for the future success of her book, she gets feedback from the blog’s readers about which aspects of her research and writing they find to be most important.
One of those researchers whose scientific findings have fueled Rubin’s personal experiments is Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want. “I’ve been doing research on happiness since I was a grad student 18 years ago,” Lyubomirsky says. “Even five years into it, people said that I should write a book because it seemed like a marketable topic.”
Given her academic frame of mind, Lyubomirsky held off on pitching anything for years. “Most research compared people who were happy to those who weren’t as a window into what happiness is,” she says. “Happy people don’t compare themselves with others, for example, or dwell on things. The media would ask, ‘What does this mean for our readers?’ and I would say, ‘I can’t tell you.’ I wasn’t interested in the question.”
Over time, though, she found that a “happiness set point” determined 50 percent of a person’s happiness, and external circumstances (job, family, etc.) accounted for another 10 percent; her research shifted to explore whether and how people can change their happiness levels within that final 40 percent. After appearing in Time magazine in 2005 and being approached by agents, Lyubomirsky spent a year compiling notes before signing with Richard Pine, a literary agent and founding partner of InkWell Management. Says Pine, “I love top-tier psychology, and when someone with as sterling a background in terms of education and research as Sonja comes by, you listen.”
20,000 Chicken Soup servings later
Pine has also represented psychologist Martin Seligman, a founder of positive psychology and the author of Authentic Happiness. Positive psychology flips the traditional practice of psychology—the study of human neurosis—on its head to examine positive characteristics of humanity that make people better.
Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, a licensed psychologist, wrote The Enchanted Self: A Positive Therapy in 1997 when the movement was just beginning. “That book was an instructional book for therapists and their clients to help create the paradigm shift necessary for positive psychology to be practiced in the treatment room,” she says. “I’m interested in how you teach someone to use their mind to retrieve a memory to create happiness in the present and future.”
In addition to teaching the topic, Holstein has been a student of happiness, following the many paths experts are taking to reach readers. “The people coming out of these different fields love humanity and are trying to help others by simplifying their work in order to be understood and be of use to the public,” she says, mentioning spiritual-based writers such as Marianne Williamson (The Age of Miracles), Eckhart Tolle (The Power of Now) and the Dalai Lama (The Art of Happiness); other psychologists like Dan Baker (What Happy People Know) and Daniel Gilbert (Stumbling on Happiness); and more traditional self-help-style motivational authors like Alexandra Stoddard (Happiness for Two) and Jack Canfield (Chicken Soup for the Soul).
Shimoff, co-author of Chicken Soup for the Woman’s Soul and five other Chicken Soup books, considers herself part of the motivational/inspirational camp. “People are starving for inspiration and hope,” she says. “Chicken Soup gave them that, but it didn’t give them any specific things to do in their lives. I read over 20,000 stories while writing these books, so I know the power of the story. I wanted to give inspiration as well as tools to make their lives better.”Dominick V. Anfuso, vice president and editorial director at Free Press, says his company wasn’t looking for another happiness title—its current line-up includes Seligman’s Authentic Happiness and Marcus Buckingham’s Strengths series—but Shimoff’s approach for Happy for No Reason was ideal. “I looked at it like the seven habits of happiness,” he says, referring to bestseller The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. “Marci’s book was a direct seven-step, science-based plan that would go beyond an academic audience to be the everyman and everywoman book on happiness.”
Happiness = sadness?
Although happiness might seem like an overworked field, editors will still be attracted to proposals that offer something different than what’s already been published. Gail Winston, executive editor at HarperCollins, says her interests are in psychology—not necessarily happiness—but Rubin’s pitch for The Happiness Project won her over. “This felt like something original,” she says. “She’s a beautiful writer with a strong voice and a lot of personality on the page, and that’s what drew me to the material.
“There’s always room for a new take,” Winston adds. “Life is complicated, and we’re constantly being deluged with too much information and bad news. People aren’t as happy as they thought they would be, and that dissonance creates a need for new ways to think about happiness.”
When it comes to pitching your own happiness tome, says Lyubomirsky, “you want to draw on your strengths. If you don’t have a background in research, then you’ll have something else.” Those strengths will be a selling point to editors and the audience, which needs to be educated on an author’s background so that they know how to approach an author’s work. For example, editors (and readers) need to know whether to expect a memoir or self-help angle.
Another approach to the happiness trend can be to go against the grain. Eric G. Wilson, an English professor at Wake Forest University, found his own take on the topic by writing Against Happiness: In Praise of Melancholy. “It was partially in response to the trend, but also from my own life, my own experience,” he says. “I’ve always been of a melancholic turn and have felt great pressure to be happy. I wanted to explore the possibility that my melancholy isn’t a bad thing.”
The 19th century British romantics that Wilson studies mined their melancholy for ideas and inspiration, he says, and an agent helped shape his somewhat academic proposal into a more commercial form. “If you’re going to write an against-the-grain type of book, it’s important to be attuned to the trend,” says Wilson, who researched positive psychology and self-help books. “Figure out what points you want to attack, but don’t just come with an argument because it runs counter to the trend. If you’re lucky, your concerns will have cultural significance and you can write the book you want to write.”
You are what you write
Shimoff’s take on happiness runs opposite to Wilson’s, but she shares his belief that dedication and sincerity are essential to writing a worthwhile book. “I wrote the book that I would most want to read,” she says. “When you’re writing on a topic, you’re married to it, so you have to write something you have a passion for. You’re going to be talking about it for months, for years to come.”
Writing about happiness can make you—guess what—happy. If you’re true to your topic, that passion will run both ways; the author will add passion to the research, but the research will also affect the author in positive ways. “Even though I know the research and have been thinking about this for 20 years, writing about it did have an impact,” Lyubomirsky says. “If you spend hours and hours thinking about gratitude or living in the present moment, it rubs off on you in daily life. I felt myself using the strategies that I talk about, looking at my priorities and considering what I’m good at.”
In addition to learning how to live in the moment, Lyubomirsky says writing a trade book might have spoiled her. “It’s much more fun than academic, scientific writing, which is very rigid with rules to follow,” she says. “In some ways, having the rules makes it easier to write, but I really enjoyed the freedom. This was my first time, so I’m sure I have more to learn.” She’s already developing a second book on happiness, one that will explore how people become accustomed to positive experiences. If she needs source material, all she needs to do is look in the mirror—and to her fellow happiness authors—to see how they’ve adapted to success.
Topics: In the News, Positive Psychology | No Comments »
An Enchanter: The Gabbie Cabbie
By Barbara Holstein | September 1, 2008
Finding out how to live a life worth living and being able to overcome the adversities that befall all of us in a normal lifetime, while also experiencing enough positive emotions to feel happy much of the time, may sound like a tough assignment. But if you can just be true to yourself and learn to read your own personality style, interests and potential, or as I say, recognize your ‘Song of the Soul’ than being happy can be a very realistic happening. In my book, THE ENCHANTED SELF, A Positive Therapy, I teach you many techniques for recognizing who you are at the most authentic level and also how to learn to meet your needs so you can live out your dreams. I give many case studies in the book about how people do just that.
However, it is always great to hear of or meet someone who has already done all of his homework. For he is reaping the rewards of true happiness, living the good life, full of mental wellness, and is such an example to others. A few years ago I was driving in my car and suddenly on Public Radio a wonderful interview came up. A journalist was interviewing a man who calls himself, The Gabbie Cabbie. This is his story as I remember it: Mr. Franklin is a cab driver in New York City. As a result of some magic in his life and his own inspiration, he started a corporation called Gabbie Cabbie, Inc.
He decided that no one in the world was better suited to tell you about New York City than a cab driver who drives it all day. He looked at himself in the mirror of life and decided that he was the one!
So, he and his wife took some time and they approached every radio station in the world, which meant over 40,000. The ball started rolling and before he knew it, he was being called for interviews. Since he started talking about living in New York, he has had over 40,000 appearances on the radio. He has been interviewed around the world, both on the radio and on audio on the web.
At first, he was self-conscious. He talked about events that had happened in the city and the people who came into his cab, but not about himself. He was almost a little afraid to be personal—even had fantasies that he would be stalked. However, over the years he realized that people loved to know a little about him. It made him human and very real to them. So, he began to share more about his son, who had just graduated from West Point and his daughter who was living in Ireland. Currently, he still is out there talking about his city, his world and himself. He feels that he has helped people around the world better understand New York City. He is determined to continue as this is his passion and his message to the world.
I think that he is a wonderful example of somebody deciding that indeed they have a role to play beyond earning a living, beyond all the standard roles of being a wife, husband, neighbor, etc. Inside of himself, he realized that there was a special spark a gift he had to offer the world. He wasn’t just a cabdriver—he was an ambassador of a great city. He had a mission and no one else in the world could do it exactly as he could.
Becoming an Enchantress or Enchanter (in terms of have the excitement and energy to send out into the world what we are most passionate about) means deciding what roles you have to play in life that are exquisitely suitable just to you. In fact, no one else can do them as you can. Then you can begin to cast your spells of Enchantment, as the Gabbie Cabbie did. As an Enchantress or Enchanter you combine inspiration with mental perspiration in exactly the right balance to move forward. That’s what the Gabbie Cabbie was willing to do. I admire him and I admire each and every one of you with the persistence and courage to cast your positive spells upon the world!
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Weekly Blessing
By Barbara Holstein | August 29, 2008
May you always be able to enjoy yourself.
May you be able to perceive yourself in a positive
light, combining your perception of yourself with a
world view that permits fun, replenishment and good
times. May you have the courage to play.
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I’m Ready to Be a Hip Hop Grannie!
By Barbara Holstein | August 28, 2008
The Olympics are over but my mind is still full of the excitement and thrill of watching the games in China. I’m also still thinking about the Hip Hop Grannies that I saw in one of the portraits of everyday life in China. These gals get together every morning and do everything from oriental forms of exercise to Hip Hop and Breat Dancing! They are all over 50 and look fabulous. They move with the grace of a 20 year old. I was so impressed with them. I’m ready. Where can I join a group like that in New Jersey? Let’s get going. This is truly a way in to our Enchanted Selves!
Topics: In the News, Inspirational True Stories, Positive Psychology for Women, Women's Happiness | No Comments »
Weekly Blessing
By Barbara Holstein | August 22, 2008
May all your story telling lead to vigor, wisdom, replenishment and a confirmation on the enchantment of daily living.
May your true song come through.
May all your days be full, as if with songbirds and your nights as if with nightingales.
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The Enchanted Self, more on Wisdom Secrets and Nancy Drew
By Barbara Holstein | August 21, 2008
Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein discusses The Enchanted Self, more on Wisdom Secrets and Nancy Drew. Here guest is Martha Trowbridge, Inspirational Writer for Women.
This week I’m eager to share with you a radio show on Wisdom Secrets For Women and Girls that we know as adult women that we really learned originally in girlhood. Martha Trowbridge, inspirational writer for women, is my co-host. We discuss how to use our wisdom as women and how to reinforce that wisdom in our girls. We use Nancy Drew as a powerful wisdom role model. This is a great show that is sure light a fire in you and your daughters and remind all of us that WE HAVE THE POWER AND THE WISDOM
Right click here and choose “Save Target As..” to Download the Mp3
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Memories of Filene’s Basement as they relate to Happiness for Women and The Enchanted Self
By Barbara Holstein | August 18, 2008
Last week my husband, Russell and I atteneded the American Psychological Meetings in Boston, Massachusetts. I had gone to graduate school in Boston, so for me, it was my old haunting ground. Also, my mother’s family lived there and I was back and forth to Boston from earliest childhood.
So of course, every time I’m in Boston I wander and savour the delights of memory. Yes, I teach about the delights of positive memories in The Enchanted Self, and yes, I actually do it myself. Milk St. way downtown Boston is where my Uncle Cy had his insurance office. Quincy Market is where my boyfriend, who then dropped me, took me for a delicious meal when to my horror, my one and only cap fell out as I ate. A trip to an emergency ward to have the cap put back, finished that evening off. The North End brings back memories of taking a television course at Boston University and walking around with one of the other students as we figured out our television show that we would create. The list goes on and on.
But one of my most important memories is of Filene’s Basement. Filene’s Department Store was one of my favorite places. I couldn’t afford mostof the stuff upstairs, but the basement was another matter. All was possible down in the two sub-basements. Incredible sales were just waiting to be had. I would enter a wooden floor paradise of tables overflowing with $2.95 sweaters and raincoats. And if I had more money to spend I could find a coat for $12.95 and look great in it. Need a wallet? Here they are. Ties for my husband? Couldn’t beat the quality and the price.
And the wonderful atmosphere-it was a throwback to the 1800’s with the original wood floors and old plain wallls. A fire hazard? Maybe, but who cared. (I’ll tell you another adventure about the basement and a fire in another entry).
The basement meant so much to me. It was a kind of safe cave of personal adventuring. It was a way to feel excited and pleased at the same time. And when I was done shopping I could go to Bailey’s a few blocks away and have a coffee sundae with hot fudge sauce. Oh, life was sweet.
Last week my husband and I had wandered for hours. Suddenly we came upon the place where Filene’s should have been. Can you imagine my horror to see that it was no more? There was excavating going on all around it and the basement obviously was closed to the public and not functioning. I felt horrible. This was not possible. How could this place for me to dream and indulge myself just cease to exist? I needed it! It was part of my world!
My husband was indifferent. This was definately a female response going on.
A few days later I discovered that Filene’s Basement is now a shiny building on a very expensive street near Copley Square. And it is not a basement! I didn’t even bother to go in!….(more to come)
Topics: Fond Memories that Enhance Happy Feelings, Positive Psychology for Women, Positive use of Memory, Women's Happiness | No Comments »
This Week’s Blessing
By Barbara Holstein | August 18, 2008
“May you always be prepared for fun, for pleasure and for new solutions! May you always be able to see yourself as a wonderful reservoir of talents, ideas, and new ways of thinking “out of the box”
Topics: Blessings | 1 Comment »
Author helps teens, moms connect
By Barbara Holstein | August 16, 2008
BY LAURIE LAWLESS
Hour Staff Writer
As a young girl, does your life seem complicated? As a parent, does your daughter and her adolescent issues seem confusing and incomprehencible?
Well wonder no more, because Norwalk native, Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein has written a new book to help struggling pre-teens and their non-understanding parents. “The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart, and I know everything),” is a fiction diary written by Holstein through the eyes of an 8- to 10-year-old girl.
“I became aware that children and moms need a way to build self esteem. I wanted something that could catch the heart and spirit of girls and maybe their moms too,” explained Holstein.
Holstein had done extensive research before writing this book, which was released in February, and believes people might actually be surprised by the amount of depth in the story. The book touches on self esteem, crushes, school bullies, inside struggles and the development and growth of young teens.
“We need to find ways that people are affected by what they read. A fictional diary can be very moving. In order to make change in our lives we have to be moved, not just convinced,” explained Holstein.
Holstein said she hopes that just as many parents read the book as do young girls. She said she believes it is important for parents to remember how crucial the pre-teen years can be. At the end of the book, a list of questions is given. Holstein hopes that parents and their children can tackle these questions together.
“I hope it will boost a girl or teen. For the mothers, I hope it will help her see how her daughter of child is feeling inside,” she said.
Holstein is a licensed positive phycologist in New Jersey and Massachusetts. She has held her private practices for more than 25 years. Holstein also worked as a school psychologist, a teacher and a case study researcher.
She has written five other books: “The Truth, I’m Ten, I’m Smart and I Know Everything,” “Delight!” “The Enchanted Self,” “Recipes For Enchantment, The Secret Ingredient is You!,” and “Feel Good Stories.”
She is the daughter of Dr. Harry A. Becker, a past superintendent of the schools in Norwalk. While he was in office, Becker made various positive changes to the Norwalk School System. According to Holstein, he also founded Norwalk Community College.
Those who have read and enjoyed Holsteins book, may not have to wait long for the next one to appear. This book is just the first in a series.
“I’m almost done with the next book. Now she’ll be 10-12. The next will be 12-14,” she said.
Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein will have a book signing at 3 p.m. today at Borders in Stamford, at 3 p.m. today at Borders, 1041 High Ridge Road, Stamford. For more information, call 968-9700.
Read the article here.
Topics: In the News | No Comments »