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Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein is the originator of The Enchanted Self. She has been a positive psychologist in private practice and licensed in the states of New Jersey and Massachusetts since 1981.
Family Relationship Award of Excellence
My Books
Secrets: You Tell Me Yours and I’ll Tell You Mine…maybe!
Following on the heels of the best-selling book, The Truth, SECRETS is the continuing diary of a girl moving into her teen-age years. The Girl has plenty to fill her journal. The pages reveal a new school, a new baby in the family, new friends, a new guy and a new set of issues to face. Share the secret world of an almost-teen as she learns which secrets to share and which to keep to herself.
Download an excerpt of Secrets here.
THE TRUTH: I'm a Girl, I'm Smart and I Know Everything!
In the mothers' and daughters' version, this girl encapsulates the spark and energy that your daughter has inside of her, and that you had inside of yourself as a girl. It is this special capacity for fun and wisdom that we need to protect in our girls and get back to ourselves!
Let's rejoice in the girl inside of ourselves. Let's give courage and affirmation to our daughters and granddaughters so they know from the inside out, it is ok, in fact, essential to keep her alive, as they grow up.
The Truth, I'm 10, I'm Smart & I Know Everything.
The adult women's version is a delightful, humorous secret diary, written by a girl who is 10-11 years of age. She is wise and yet so innocent. She makes us cry and laugh and remember ourselves. Behind this very easy read is the psychological message to the women reading THE TRUTH that they can and must recapture the fire and passion of their girlhoods not only for themselves to flourish and be happy, but for the next generation to also have the gifts of good emotional and spiritual health.
This book is filled with emotional and delightful reminiscences that will charm you even as you are inspired to begin thinking of your own ways to bring delight into your hearts.
A collection of stories that is guaranteed to make you Feel Good. Click on the title to find out about the free gifts you will receive or here to learn more about the stories.
Recipes for Enchantment, The Secret Ingredient is YOU! is a culmination of over ten years of work and research in the field of personal enchantment by Dr. Barbara. She teaches us how to recall positive memories, regardless of our history, recognize our potential, and bring into our lives more of what gives us pleasure and joy. This is all combined with daily positive actions.
The Enchanted Self, A Positive Therapy
Through my work as a therapist, I have become concerned that we do not keep clearly enough how to reclaim what is positive about ourselves. This led me to write my book, The Enchanted Self, A Positive Therapy, published in 1997 by Harwood Academic Press. This book was probably the first and only book for mental health care providers and the interested public, to lay out the tools necessary to create a positive mind set and live an affirmative and affirming way of life!
Writing as a Positive Psychologist: Part 2
Let’s move ahead to the publication of THE TRUTH (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything.
How in the world as a psychologist as a psychologist and a writer, did I end up with my 4th book being fiction, designed for girls, tweens, teens, moms and women, and how does it dove-tail with THE ENCHANTED SELF, a Positive Therapy. (You may find my other books on Amazon and my website: www.enchantedself.com)
Let’s look at a poem in THE ENCHANTED SELF on page169, “Come my friend, my nurturer, my shadow, my knowledge of how whole I can be.” Who is that friend? Many years of practicing as a psychologist, have convinced me that, that nurturer, that shadow is our earlier selves. Often it is that self which existed inside ourselves between the ages of 8 and 12. We know that for many girls, 8-12 is a period of soaring, when girls feel competent and so sure of themselves.
If you know girls that age, you know how talented they are. They can and do everything. They also often have special private times, keeping diaries, or sharing intimate thoughts with best girlfriends. However, the teenage years do not always encourage or keep girls thriving emotionally and intellectually. The social and hormonal pressures of growing up block the earlier talents and potential. Adolescent years can be very hard on girls and many a woman finds herself no longer in touch with her earlier talents, strengths, potential or what makes her happy.
I began to realize that my next psychological assignment was to bring the girl inside of ourselves back to life.
I began to develop a companionship with the 10-11 year old inside myself. I began to realize that as an adult woman that I was disappointing her. I was not as confident or daring as I had promised myself I would be. Some of my poor decisions had restricted and limited the scope of my potential and opportunities. The girl I had been had known that the world could be her oyster. She wasn’t much afraid of anything and also had a lot of inner wisdom. She was resilient and determined. She had faith in me-the adult she would become someday.
Suddenly, getting to know myself as a child again was serious psychological business. It is somewhat painful to realize that one has short changed herself. Yet better to realize it now!
Then I began to think, how could I write a book that will just spark everyone? If you are a woman, it will make you want to dance with yourself and with your inner 11 year old and make her energies a part of yourself again. If you are a mom, you will see your child in a much more profound light. You will want to help her hold on to her wisdom, wit, sense of competency and self-esteem. If you are a kid or a tween, you will feel understood and connected to this fictional girl. After all, she is like you. She thinks about many of the things you think about and she makes promises about what she will be like when she grows up, just like you do.
So the character came alive. I felt a fictional diary was the way to go. The girl, as many fictional characters do, helped me write the book. She shared her frustrations and her competencies, and she even managed to solve a little around how she could hold on to the best of herself as she grew up. How she solved the mystery is so endearing, but I can’t give it away because I want you to read the book.
She has a crush. Haven’t most of us had crushes? I have clients and women in those in workshops as young as 5 years old, having crushes. And she says, “I am in love…I thought I would fall in love when I was much older, maybe 15 or 16 and she explains how she felt when Paul walked into the classroom, my heart felt like it turned over in my body, my pulse started to race and I couldn’t concentrate. I felt excited like I had a big secret….”
She also has secrets. She wants to know more about growing up. She wants to ask her mother questions like, “When will I need a bra?” but she can’t. “Whenever I try, she looks away and starts to fidget with her fingers. I never get the answers to my questions. Doesn’t she know how confused I am? How, I am supposed to ready to get older, if she can’t tell her everything she needs to know and she talks about her parents. Angelina is so lucky because she talks to her mother, Mrs. Allen.”
She asks, “Why do grown-ups fight over stupid things? I don’t get it. Before you know it, everyone’s mood is bad and the day is ruined….”
Yes, the girl sees so much and knows so much. And didn’t we all at 10 or 11? And wouldn’t it be great to hold on to the energy and confidence that can go with that stage of life? So that we all can live lives of integrity where we would keep similar promises to what the girl makes: “I’ll travel a lot. I won’t look away when my kids ask me tough questions. I’ll answer truthfully. I won’t swear. I won’t get into silly fights with my husband. I’ll have fun with my kids and laugh a lot. I’ll remember ME! And that’s the truth.”
So you see, I’ve come full circle with both books as a positive psychologist. I’m right back to the essence of the person. It turns out that the book; THE TRUTH (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything) is another way of teaching The Enchanted Self. When we come home to the ‘truth’ for ourselves then we are an Enchanted Self. We are happy; we have purpose. Our lives have meaning. We don’t disappoint ourselves. Whether you prefer the casebook or the fictional diary, it doesn’t matter. Just come home to yourself!
And by the way, that is exactly what I am still in the process of doing. Going back to the mystery book mentioned in the beginning, by Dr. Gay Hendricks, my latest fiction writing has turned another corner. Like Dr. Hendricks, I have moved the essence of the material I teach into a new setting. This time a fictional novel that takes place here and in Jerusalem. Actually what happened was a plot began to form and before I could send it away, I found myself sketching out a romance, mystery novel with a spiritual component. Natalie and Maggie came to life as the major characters, along with Chaya Sarah, the mystery woman. Soon I was up again late at night writing page after page of NEXT YEAR IN JERUSALEM, A Novel of Romance, Suspense and Spiritual Awakening. The book will be out on Amazon and Kindle by June of 2012. You can wet your appetite at www.next-year-in-jerusalem.com .
Does this book continue my work as a psychologist? Absolutely. Just watch my short videos on the above website as I discuss some of the issues the women face in the book and you will see I am still teaching and encouraging us to come home to ourselves! As someone wisely said, “Everyone else is taken.”
Writing as a Positive Psychologist: Part 1
It is always interesting to learn about the writer behind the book. For example, I was delighted to find out that the passionate woman behind the memoir I am currently reading, Silver Pages on the Lawn, is well into her 90′s! Somehow that reassures me about my own aging. I was also delighted to find out that the mystery book I just read and loved, The First Rule of Ten, is written by a therapist, like myself. But more about that at the end of my story.
I am delighted to share my story as an author with you. Of course it began before many of the details I will now share. It began way back when my mother told her dreams every morning, and my dad spoke eloquently every day, about all items, large and small. It began when I bought the Girl Scout Diary in Reed’s Department Store for myself when I was 9, with the small lock and key. And it probably began even further back when my mother told me fantastic stories about herself and Melvin, the kid who teased her with exaggerated truths, who lived next door. But I’m going to take an author’s privilege and leap ahead to my grown-up days of writing as a professional psychologist. What follows now is part of a paper I gave at the Norwalk Community College Writer’s Conference several years ago:
The famous novelist, Proust stated, “The real voyage for discovery is not in seeking new landscapes, but having new eyes.” In the 1990’s as a psychologist, I sought new landscapes, and was blessed instead with new eyes to see past the disease model, to the world of human potential that was right in front of me all the time. I had been researching, via case study methods, women outside of my practice to see how women handle childhood messages carried inside them, such as, “you’re dumb but beautiful” or “Make sure you get married before your beauty fades.” These are discouraging, judgmental messages, if they are not spoken, still ’heard’ clear as a bell. All the women I interviewed concurred with the above premise, giving me many personal examples. However, they had more to teach me. They showed me their strengths, capacities to grow and change, and what most amazed me, their capacities for happiness. These capacities were far beyond what the clinician usually discovers when she is looking through a lens that is primarily sensitive to pathology.
With my new ‘eyes’ I became certain that women, and I am sure most men, have greater capacities to restore themselves and enjoy themselves, than previously documented. I also realized we are not given enough signals in our society to help us feel positive about ourselves, or to recognize what makes us happy. We are not taught how to hold on to positive feelings, or how to bring them back and again and again.
My work appeared to be cut out for me. With my new awareness of what was right about my clients, rather than what was wrong, I was excitedly looking anew at the treatment room. I began to examine how we interact with our clients, how we set the stage for change, how we interview for information, how we teach our clients to view their past behaviors, how we listen and how we encourage a sense of well-being. I developed techniques for all of the above that could be used as a positive overlay for psychologists, regardless of their formal training and orientation. For example, when interviewing a new client, one can easily build in questions that encourage the client to talk about their earlier talents, strengths, lost potential and resilience. All of these treatment changes in questioning, listening and processing with the client took shape as The Enchanted Self, a Positive Therapy.
Soon, I realized I had a case book in the making. THE ENCHANTED SELF, a Positive Therapy, was published in 1997. The book, utilizing case studies, personal insights from my own life, reader exercises and even poetry, allows the reader to explore positive aspects of herself. If she is a therapist, she also learns how to make long overdue corrections in the treatment room. Many readers, therapists, and lay people, have thanked me for the positive paradigm shift I had so clearly outlined in the book. One psychiatrist from Sweden wrote to me that she had waited for years for someone to finally have the courage to make this long overdue correction in therapeutic model.
To be continued…
Amazing Women of Power
Spring is in the air! We are now entering Spring and so much has happened already. I have been participating in radio shows with AWOP (Amazing Women of Power). AWOP is under the umbrella of Raven International Media Productions as: “Amazing Women Power Talk 24.7 Radio Network.” I am thrilled to be a host on this station with such outstanding, inspirational women and some men! We are all invested in inspirational messages. My show, Your Enchanted Self, is designed to help women, like myself and you, reclaim their Enchanted Selves, resulting in freeing the power inside of ourselves that already exists, so that we can reach our potential and live out our dreams. Stop in on any Tuesday and listen to my show. It is an easy and convenient way to learn all about how to access the Seven Gateways of Happiness every day. So much is happening. You will not be disappointed; I promise!
Sunny The Cat
I thought it would be such fun to put my cat on my lap and talk to him about the truth. After all, cats, like most or all animals, have an uncanny sense of the truth. They know if you don’t like them. They also often sense what is about to happen before it does, like when a storm is coming. And they look past all the superficial stuff like our make-up and what we are wearing to the true essence of what is at hand. Feed me. Love me. Play. It is all simple and direct.
Of course children are more complicated, but in many ways children know the truth better than we do. They can pick up on our moods and intentions instantly. Kids know if we are placating or overdoing compliments.
Soooo, once Sunny was on my lap, and he of course, sat right in the sun, I just began to talk to him about the truth. The words fell out of my mouth, as he patiently let me pet him. However, when I tried to get him to look at my book, The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything) he clearly turned away. He wasn’t going to let me trick him into reading a book for kids! After all, he’s a cat. He’s proud of it, and that’s The Truth.
I hope you enjoy our discussion. —- Sunny the Cat
New Year’s Resolutions, Oh No! Not Again!
Once again that time is approaching when we are called upon to make promises to ourselves. Supposedly in our best interest, we are bombarded with encouragements from the press and each other to list our resolutions for the New Year. If we don’t come up with at least three or four, we may feel guilty and that we are shortchanging ourselves. So we try really hard to make a list. Often the first resolution is to loose all the Holiday weight that we have gained. Then there may be resolutions that involve being nicer to our spouses, really walking the dog and not pushing him out into the backyard, playing with our children and not just yelling, calling our parents at least once a week, volunteering somewhere this year, etc. The list can look and feel so good! Up it may go on the frig door.
But alas, New Year’s Day usually comes and goes and much to our sorrow, so does the list. It was easy to diet the first day after eating two dozen Christmas cookies yesterday, but much harder three days later, particularly if you know there are a few more Christmas cookies still in that canister in the living room.
Oh, it is not so easy to walk the dog at 7:00 am. Why did I ever commit to that? Here Chum, out you go. Bark when you are ready to come in.
And how can I not yell at the kids. They are misbehaving something awful.
And my husband came home in a bad mood. I don’t feel like being nice to him. Why isn’t he trying harder?
And the failed list goes on and on, until usually it ends when we rip it off of the frig door.
Ah, relief at last. Now I will just see what is left in that cookie canister!
Have a given a fairly realistic picture of resolutions? I think so, from what my clients, friends and I have shared over the years. But don’t despair. Here are some suggestions that just might work:
1. Think in terms of only three resolutions at most for this year. Make one easy to accomplish, one medium hard and one that might be hard.
2. Throw out the hard one and save it for next year.
3. Now take the easy resolution. Plan how you will accomplish it. For example, if it is to finally paint your kitchen and clean the cabinets, break that task down into a number of segments. Make a list. For example, January: pick the paint color and brand you want. February: paint or better yet, get your husband or someone you can make a special dinner for, to paint. March: Clean and sort one third of the cabinets. April: Do another third. May: You guessed it, do the last cabinets. June: Enjoy your accomplishments. Maybe have a celebration of some sort. It could be a tea party for you and your girlfriends in your kitchen or it could be a special night on the town. You decide.
4. Now consider your medium hard resolution. Do you still want to do it? If yes, again break it down in small segments that make sense to you. If not,…I’ll leave that to you. Maybe it will be your first resolution next year.
I hope you get my point that being kind and gentle to ourselves and helping ourselves to pick realistic resolutions that we can really tackle and get done is much better for our self-esteem and feelings of accomplishment than picking resolutions that we are simply not ready to handle.
Boredom, NO, Stimulation and Friendship, YES!
I asked him whom he was portraying. He told me that he does Teddy Roosevelt, all over the country. His name is James Foote. Well, the next thirty minutes were as if in a dream. He kept going in and out of character. He gave me Teddy’s opinions on the world as it is today-by the way there was plenty of turmoil 100 years ago! He also explained that the White House was called as such by Teddy. Prior to that it had been the executive mansion! He told me the sad story of how Teddy lost his first wife and mother within a couple of days and how he went into the wilderness for a couple of years to restore his sense of well-being and optimism.
Interesting to me, optimism was one of Teddy’s major personality traits. By the way, we were back going downtown again, on another train and I was still listening to Teddy Roosevelt-speaking to me! It may have been the hot subway, but it was music to my ears to hear: “Always do the best you can with what you have, and where you are.” We certainly had to, as once again we were on the wrong train and it actually started back uptown at 14th St. On the third try, we finally emerged at Chambers St. Mr. Foote reminded me (I never knew this) that the subways were first put in because there had been a snowstorm in NYC that paralyzed the city for weeks and weeks. Mr. Roosevelt was significant in getting the subways built. How ironic, that we were going back and forth, as we were on the line affected by 9/11 and as infrequent travelers, neither of us realized that most of the trains only went to 14th St. and then started back up. But then if we had realized this fact
, I wouldn’t have had such a great adventure!
I emerged from the underground a changed woman—Imagine Teddy Roosevelt and myself in conversation? (PS. Do you know why Teddy Bears are called Teddy Bears? I do now.)
The Loss of A Mother, My Mother
Some of you know that my mother passed away last November 11th. It is now almost a year. I miss her so much. Sometimes I feel she is right here still with me. One example is when I sit down to write my latest book, a romance-mystery novel for women, I feel often that she is helping me write it. She was a wonderful writer and much more into fiction than I. Most of her life she read two or three books a week. I thought it would be interesting to share with you a story she wrote about her own mom’s passing. It is a magical story. You can decide for yourself how you would interpret what she experienced. I would love to hear from you as to whether anything like this has ever happened to you.
Stranger Than Fiction
* by Bernice Becker
My mother was gone. She would not come back. She could not come back. She had passed on in Noble Hospital in Westfield with me, unbelieving and distraught, at her side. There was a sad, dignified funeral because Uncle Dave, her brother, would not have it any other way. He was a strong, good, and domineering man whom she had respected and adored. She was buried next to my dad and close to her very caring and devoted family.
Here I was, sitting in her favorite outdoor chair, near the front stoop of our house, looking up at the clear blue sky and pleading with God to let me see her even for a little while. I needed to tell her how important she had been in my life and how much I missed her. Her passing had been quick and unexpected in spite of health problems.
I believed that if I concentrated enough and prayed fervently, I might see her walking towards me in the driveway, where she often strolled on bright, sunny days. She had lived with us during the last two years of her life, while her heart weakened gradually until it gave out. Harry and I had promised Uncle Dave we would keep her with us instead of in a nursing home. He hated nursing homes with a passion.
Finally, I decided this was not the day she would come home—maybe next time. Reluctantly I entered my home to prepare dinner and spend time with our ten-year-old daughter, who needed my attention as well as my love. She felt the loss but not to the extent of my understandable grief.
A few months later I began to dream frequently that I was with my mother. She appeared as herself, except more cheerful than in life and not aware she was deceased. I was afraid to say, “Mother, do you know you are dead?” That’s a delicate subject even in a dream for me. However, the time finally came when I dared to use those words.
She argued with me and scolded me for making such a foolish remark to a person who was alive.
I dropped the subject.
In my dreams we walked and talked, shopped and spent time in the restaurants I had often taken her to for her favorite dessert, warm apple pie and ice cream.
Then something began to happen that I could not fathom. I was in a deep sleep in the double bed I shared with my husband. It seemed every time I started to bring myself out of that state my mom was lying next to me. Harry was not there. I could see her blue dotted Swiss nightgown. I felt the soft material next to me. I touched her wavy silver hair and listened to how softly she breathed. She smiled at me. Logically I knew she wasn’t there. When I finally forced myself fully awake, Harry was beside me and everything was back to normal.
This unusual experience was repeated countless times, not for days, weeks, or months but over a period of at least five years. I mentioned this only to my husband and a close friend. The response was “You’re dreaming. You are imagining. Don’t dwell on it. Let her go.”
I implored her, “You must leave. You have to join papa and your family who love you and are expecting you.” She said, “I can’t leave until my brother Dave is there too.”
About six months after those words, Uncle Dave died of a complication following surgery. The next time I was with my mother I stated emphatically, “Your time has come to leave. Your dear brother died, and he is waiting for you. He was always so good to you, you must not disappoint him.”
She inquired, “Are you positive he is dead?”
“I would not lie about anything like that. Believe me.”
“All right, I will go. I don’t want Dave to be angry with me.”
We were in a large, unfamiliar bedroom where sheer white curtains were blowing gently next to an open window. She was sitting in a chair wrapped in a lightweight blanket. She asked me to carry her over to the window. She was almost weightless in my arms. I felt as though I were the mother and she the child. She told me “I love you, but now I must go away.” She floated out of my arms. It was a balmy night and the midnight sky was lit with brilliant stars. She kept looking back and waving.
I waved back and called out, “I love you; be happy.”
She called out; “I love you, too, dear.” She slowly disappeared from my view. I was happy for her.
That morning when I woke up, I felt free, as though a weight had been lifted. Harry was beside me. Those dreams stopped, never to return. Now I am able to have the normal dreams one expects.
More than twenty years since, I still wonder what it all meant. Was my mother’s spirit wandering between heaven and earth? Was she unwilling to leave Uncle Dave and me, or did my subconscious mind refuse to let her go? It is a mystery that may never be solved. Perhaps in many years, I will have my answer, but I’m not in any hurry to find out.
Your Space: Have you any magical and/or strange tales to tell about your life? Now is a good time to jot them down and don’t forget to share them later!
*This story was taken from my mom’s book, Feel Good Stories which can be purchased on Amazon.
Would You Invite Ants to Your Picnic?
The Superhereos and Secret Genuises Within Us All.
Turning Fantasy into Reality
Fantasy is a genre of fiction that uses magic and other supernatural phenomena as a primary element of ploy, theme, or setting. Many works within the genre take place in imaginary worlds where magic is common.
Often the genre of fantasy is dominated by its medievalist form as can be seen or read in The Lord of the Rings books by J. R. Tolkien. Fantasy comprises works by many writers, artists, filmmakers, and musicians, from ancient myths and legends to many recent works embraced by a wide audience today.While fantasy art and recently fantasy films have been increasingly popular, it is fantasy literature which has always been the genre’s primary medium. Fantasy role playing games cross several different media. The “pen & paper” role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons was the first and is the most successful and influential, and the science fantasy role-playing game series Final Fantasy has been an icon of the console role playing game genre.
With the advancement of technology more online communities have grown with role playing opportunities. These websites attract millions of users world wide ranging in various age. What is it that attracts people of all ages to to be glued to their screens for hours at a time? Are we starting to see a significant shift in behavior from people who are spending much time in these fantasy worlds?
What attracts people to stay in these world for so long? When people are in the online communities for hours what is being neglected in the real life? What tools are available to users who may have difficulty distinguishing between fantasy and reality? The question may come up ” is fantasy such a bad thing?”
To better answer these questions one may need an understanding of what makes us enchanted. “The Enchanted Self” shows us that many times we lean to a place that is removed from our reality. But what if we can turn the pleasure that we find in the world of fantasy to become part of our reality? To find out more visit http://www.enchantedself.com/ Although not every fantasy has to have a prince charming, it can still be just as special.
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