New Year’s Resolutions, Oh No! Not Again!

 Once again that time is approaching when we are called upon to make promises to ourselves. Supposedly in our best interest, we are bombarded with encouragements from the press and each other to list our resolutions for the New Year. If we don’t come up with at least three or four, we may feel guilty and that we are shortchanging ourselves. So we try really hard to make a list. Often the first resolution is to loose all the Holiday weight that we have gained. Then there may be resolutions that involve being nicer to our spouses, really walking the dog and not pushing him out into the backyard, playing with our children and not just yelling, calling our parents at least once a week, volunteering somewhere this year, etc. The list can look and feel so good! Up it may go on the frig door.

But alas, New Year’s Day usually comes and goes and much to our sorrow, so does the list. It was easy to diet the first day after eating two dozen Christmas cookies yesterday, but much harder three days later, particularly if you know there are a few more Christmas cookies still in that canister in the living room.

Oh, it is not so easy to walk the dog at 7:00 am. Why did I ever commit to that? Here Chum, out you go. Bark when you are ready to come in.

And how can I not yell at the kids. They are misbehaving something awful.

And my husband came home in a bad mood. I don’t feel like being nice to him. Why isn’t he trying harder?

And the failed list goes on and on, until usually it ends when we rip it off of the frig door.

Ah, relief at last. Now I will just see what is left in that cookie canister!

Have a given a fairly realistic picture of resolutions? I think so, from what my clients, friends and I have shared over the years. But don’t despair. Here are some suggestions that just might work:

1. Think in terms of only three resolutions at most for this year. Make one easy to accomplish, one medium hard and one that might be hard.

2. Throw out the hard one and save it for next year.

3. Now take the easy resolution. Plan how you will accomplish it. For example, if it is to finally paint your kitchen and clean the cabinets, break that task down into a number of segments. Make a list. For example, January: pick the paint color and brand you want. February: paint or better yet, get your husband or someone you can make a special dinner for, to paint. March: Clean and sort one third of the cabinets. April: Do another third. May: You guessed it, do the last cabinets. June: Enjoy your accomplishments. Maybe have a celebration of some sort. It could be a tea party for you and your girlfriends in your kitchen or it could be a special night on the town. You decide.

4. Now consider your medium hard resolution. Do you still want to do it? If yes, again break it down in small segments that make sense to you. If not,…I’ll leave that to you. Maybe it will be your first resolution next year.

I hope you get my point that being kind and gentle to ourselves and helping ourselves to pick realistic resolutions that we can really tackle and get done is much better for our self-esteem and feelings of accomplishment than picking resolutions that we are simply not ready to handle.

Have a Happy, Healthy New Year and if nothing else make a resolution to be kind to yourself, appreciating your talents and potential.  Don’t try to be anyone else.  ‘Everyone else is taken.’*
 
*A famous quote but I can’t remember who said it.

December 28, 2011 | Filed Under Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, The Enchanted Self | Leave a Comment 

Boredom, NO, Stimulation and Friendship, YES!

Do you know that there is a part of each of ourselves that needs adventure and daring. Boredom is not a healthy state.  We all need change and variety.  The question is how can we get changes in our lives without disrupting our personal apple cart or taking unnecessary risks?  Sometimes we are hampered by health, sometimes by money, and sometimes we just are too overloaded in our daily patterns of life to build in anything new.  But still, that innate need for change and variation in our lives will claw at us, whether we listen to it or not.
 
I certainly know that I have a desire for stimulation beyond the routines of my life.  When I was young I wanted to meet people from other lands and desperately wanted the adventures of travel.  That part of me was slightly satisfied by a pen pal from Wales when I was in High School.  But really, I simply still craved travel and it nagged at me until I went to Europe on my own with a friend at 20. And it still nags at me. Fortunately, I have discovered as I age that we can often find adventure and new friendships right in front of our noses. Here are two examples from my life.A few years ago I went to NYC to do my monthly television show, The Enchanted Self. I took the subway (or I should say, I tried to take the subway) downtown to Chambers St. to do a bit of shopping beforehand. As I waited on the platform I saw one of those truly unique characters that could only be either a true eccentric living in NYC or a character actor. Which was he in his frock coat and derby hat? I was so busy imagining! Suddenly we were on the same train together. He asked how to get to Chambers St. and I told him. Then I suggested he cross the platform at 14th St. to hop the express, which I was about to do. He did and that was the beginning of an adventure. First of all, the subway car started and we suddenly realized it was going uptown, not downtown. Secondly, he told me that he had to get downtown to Chambers St. to stop in at the new home of The New York Sun magazine. He had been hired by them to promote the new paper. Ah! He was a character actor. I was so excited.

I asked him whom he was portraying. He told me that he does Teddy Roosevelt, all over the country. His name is James Foote. Well, the next thirty minutes were as if in a dream. He kept going in and out of character. He gave me Teddy’s opinions on the world as it is today-by the way there was plenty of turmoil 100 years ago! He also explained that the White House was called as such by Teddy. Prior to that it had been the executive mansion! He told me the sad story of how Teddy lost his first wife and mother within a couple of days and how he went into the wilderness for a couple of years to restore his sense of well-being and optimism.

Interesting to me, optimism was one of Teddy’s major personality traits. By the way, we were back going downtown again, on another train and I was still listening to Teddy Roosevelt-speaking to me! It may have been the hot subway, but it was music to my ears to hear: “Always do the best you can with what you have, and where you are.” We certainly had to, as once again we were on the wrong train and it actually started back uptown at 14th St. On the third try, we finally emerged at Chambers St. Mr. Foote reminded me (I never knew this) that the subways were first put in because there had been a snowstorm in NYC that paralyzed the city for weeks and weeks. Mr. Roosevelt was significant in getting the subways built. How ironic, that we were going back and forth, as we were on the line affected by 9/11 and as infrequent travelers, neither of us realized that most of the trains only went to 14th St. and then started back up. But then if we had realized this factjavascript:void(0), I wouldn’t have had such a great adventure!

I emerged from the underground a changed woman—Imagine Teddy Roosevelt and myself in conversation? (PS. Do you know why Teddy Bears are called Teddy Bears? I do now.) 

Now come back next time for my second example.  It involves something really right in front of my nose and also the idea of a pen pal.  Can you guess what I am talking about?  I bet you can.  So stay tuned…..
 
 

October 21, 2011 | Filed Under Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, happiness, Inspirational True Stories, Positive Psychology, The Enchanted Self, Wisdom Thoughts | Leave a Comment 

The Loss of A Mother, My Mother

Some of you know that my mother passed away last November 11th. It is now almost a year. I miss her so much. Sometimes I feel she is right here still with me. One example is when I sit down to write my latest book, a romance-mystery novel for women, I feel often that she is helping me write it. She was a wonderful writer and much more into fiction than I. Most of her life she read two or three books a week. I thought it would be interesting to share with you a story she wrote about her own mom’s passing. It is a magical story. You can decide for yourself how you would interpret what she experienced. I would love to hear from you as to whether anything like this has ever happened to you.

Stranger Than Fiction
* by Bernice Becker

My mother was gone. She would not come back. She could not come back. She had passed on in Noble Hospital in Westfield with me, unbelieving and distraught, at her side. There was a sad, dignified funeral because Uncle Dave, her brother, would not have it any other way. He was a strong, good, and domineering man whom she had respected and adored. She was buried next to my dad and close to her very caring and devoted family.

Here I was, sitting in her favorite outdoor chair, near the front stoop of our house, looking up at the clear blue sky and pleading with God to let me see her even for a little while. I needed to tell her how important she had been in my life and how much I missed her. Her passing had been quick and unexpected in spite of health problems.

I believed that if I concentrated enough and prayed fervently, I might see her walking towards me in the driveway, where she often strolled on bright, sunny days. She had lived with us during the last two years of her life, while her heart weakened gradually until it gave out. Harry and I had promised Uncle Dave we would keep her with us instead of in a nursing home. He hated nursing homes with a passion.

Finally, I decided this was not the day she would come home—maybe next time. Reluctantly I entered my home to prepare dinner and spend time with our ten-year-old daughter, who needed my attention as well as my love. She felt the loss but not to the extent of my understandable grief.

A few months later I began to dream frequently that I was with my mother. She appeared as herself, except more cheerful than in life and not aware she was deceased. I was afraid to say, “Mother, do you know you are dead?” That’s a delicate subject even in a dream for me. However, the time finally came when I dared to use those words.

She argued with me and scolded me for making such a foolish remark to a person who was alive.

I dropped the subject.

In my dreams we walked and talked, shopped and spent time in the restaurants I had often taken her to for her favorite dessert, warm apple pie and ice cream.

Then something began to happen that I could not fathom. I was in a deep sleep in the double bed I shared with my husband. It seemed every time I started to bring myself out of that state my mom was lying next to me. Harry was not there. I could see her blue dotted Swiss nightgown. I felt the soft material next to me. I touched her wavy silver hair and listened to how softly she breathed. She smiled at me. Logically I knew she wasn’t there. When I finally forced myself fully awake, Harry was beside me and everything was back to normal.

This unusual experience was repeated countless times, not for days, weeks, or months but over a period of at least five years. I mentioned this only to my husband and a close friend. The response was “You’re dreaming. You are imagining. Don’t dwell on it. Let her go.”

I implored her, “You must leave. You have to join papa and your family who love you and are expecting you.” She said, “I can’t leave until my brother Dave is there too.”

About six months after those words, Uncle Dave died of a complication following surgery. The next time I was with my mother I stated emphatically, “Your time has come to leave. Your dear brother died, and he is waiting for you. He was always so good to you, you must not disappoint him.”

She inquired, “Are you positive he is dead?”

“I would not lie about anything like that. Believe me.”

“All right, I will go. I don’t want Dave to be angry with me.”

We were in a large, unfamiliar bedroom where sheer white curtains were blowing gently next to an open window. She was sitting in a chair wrapped in a lightweight blanket. She asked me to carry her over to the window. She was almost weightless in my arms. I felt as though I were the mother and she the child. She told me “I love you, but now I must go away.” She floated out of my arms. It was a balmy night and the midnight sky was lit with brilliant stars. She kept looking back and waving.

I waved back and called out, “I love you; be happy.”

She called out; “I love you, too, dear.” She slowly disappeared from my view. I was happy for her.

That morning when I woke up, I felt free, as though a weight had been lifted. Harry was beside me. Those dreams stopped, never to return. Now I am able to have the normal dreams one expects.

More than twenty years since, I still wonder what it all meant. Was my mother’s spirit wandering between heaven and earth? Was she unwilling to leave Uncle Dave and me, or did my subconscious mind refuse to let her go? It is a mystery that may never be solved. Perhaps in many years, I will have my answer, but I’m not in any hurry to find out.

Your Space: Have you any magical and/or strange tales to tell about your life? Now is a good time to jot them down and don’t forget to share them later!

*This story was taken from my mom’s book, Feel Good Stories which can be purchased on Amazon.

October 12, 2011 | Filed Under Blessings, Books, Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, Fond Memories that Enhance Happy Feelings, happiness, Inspirational True Stories, Positive Psychology, Positive Psychology for Women, Positive Psychology, Kids, Tweens and Teens, Positive use of Memory, The Enchanted Self, Women's Happiness | Leave a Comment 

Would You Invite Ants to Your Picnic?

Would you? I’m sure you would prefer not to! So my question to you is why would you invite into your life people that are unpleasant and/or not in your best interest?
 
Sometimes it happens because someone intimidates us. Sometimes we think someone is a wonderful addition to our lives and then as time goes by we realize otherwise!
 
Certainly, the experience of an unwelcome guest at our ‘picnic’ is a universal happening. I am talking about our lives. Our ‘picnics’ are a metaphor for each of our lives. And what a delight our lives should be! Just like a wonderful picnic, each day should be a great daily event where the food is wonderful, the weather is sunny and people who respect and care about us are our guests. Laughter and wisdom should prevail, along with kindness, interest in others, and positive energy. Feelings of delight should have guest passes!
 
So how do we get rid of those nasty ants walking on our beautiful red and white checkered picnic cloth?
 
Let’s talk about two different types of invaders. The first are people who are simply not in your best interest. They may appear as friends or even be your relatives, but you know at some profound gut level that they are not invested in your well-being as much as you would expect for whatever the level of connection is.
 
The second type of invader is the person who seems to drain you of your energy. Talking to one of them for five minutes may make you feel exhausted or depleted for the rest of the day. Sometimes you don’t know what hit you, it happens so fast.
 
How do we push back from both types of people? Of course, the answers can be extremely complicated as one of these invaders may be your boss, or a close relative, or a friend of your dearest friend, etc. Often, we can not just dismiss these people from our lives.
 
But here are a few suggestions:
 
1. If someone is draining your energies you can imagine a protective shield of some sort around you when you are with them. Perhaps you can think of a plastic shield that surrounds you.
 
2. Make sure with someone that drains you that you don’t spend extra time together that you can avoid.
 
3. When people are not in your best interest, you may find it helpful to genuinely take a real interest in them. Focusing on them when you chat will not only make them feel good, but may actually change their attitude toward you. Some people are simply not in your best interest as they feel competitive and even envious. So if they feel you really care about them, in an instant, they relax and begin to care about you!
 
4. For more serious negative invaders of your success in life, you may have to truly distance yourself. This can be as dramatic as not seeing someone anymore or may simply mean learning how to get off the phone quickly when you have to talk to them. Of course, at this level of separating, you may need counseling or psychotherapy to help you protect yourself and distance.
 
 
Can you share with us any episodes that have happened to you? How did you handle the episode? Were you successful as getting the ants away from your picnic? Please write in at drbarbara@enchantedself.com .

September 18, 2011 | Filed Under Blessings, Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, happiness, Positive Psychology, The Enchanted Self, Wisdom Thoughts | Leave a Comment 

The Superhereos and Secret Genuises Within Us All.

There are times in life that we doubt our abilities. We doubt who we are and what we can accomplish. We are Superheroes! All of us are secret geniuses. It is a matter of unlocking the vault of knowledge and our own personal powers. Barbara relates and speaks about this in her personal interview on Positive Psychology and the benefits to our lives.
 
 
Barabara in her own words.
 
 

August 21, 2011 | Filed Under Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, Dr. Holstein's Podcast Archives, happiness, Positive Psychology, self-esteem, The Enchanted Self, Uncategorized, Utilizing Positive Psychology Concepts | Leave a Comment 

Turning Fantasy into Reality

Fantasy is a genre of fiction that uses magic and other supernatural phenomena as a primary element of ploy, theme, or setting. Many works within the genre take place in imaginary worlds where magic is common.

Often the genre of fantasy is dominated by its medievalist form as can be seen or read in The Lord of the Rings books by J. R. Tolkien. Fantasy comprises works by many writers, artists, filmmakers, and musicians, from ancient myths and legends to many recent works embraced by a wide audience today.While fantasy art and recently fantasy films have been increasingly popular, it is fantasy literature which has always been the genre’s primary medium. Fantasy role playing games cross several different media. The “pen & paper” role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons was the first and is the most successful and influential, and the science fantasy role-playing game series  Final Fantasy has been an icon of the console role playing game genre.

With the advancement of technology more online communities have grown with role playing opportunities. These websites attract millions of users world wide ranging  in various age. What is it that attracts people of all ages to to be glued to their screens for hours at a time? Are we starting to see a significant shift in behavior from people who are spending much time in these fantasy worlds?

What attracts people to stay in these world for so long? When people are in the online communities for hours what is being neglected in the real life? What tools are available to users who may have difficulty distinguishing between fantasy and reality? The question may come up ” is fantasy such a bad thing?”

To better answer these questions one may need an understanding of  what makes us enchanted. “The Enchanted Self” shows us that many times we lean to a place that is removed from our reality. But what if we can turn the pleasure that we find in the world of fantasy to become part of our reality? To find out more visit http://www.enchantedself.com/ Although not every fantasy has to have a prince charming, it can still be just as special.

 

August 5, 2011 | Filed Under Positive Psychology, The Enchanted Self | Leave a Comment 

Having just the right ingredients

Secret Ingredient fro enchantmentOften people think of enchantment as being under a magical spell.  When you think of magic you may even imagine putting together a potion that will create a desired spell. How long the spell will last can be a question for magicians or it may be an answer you may be able to answer yourself.

Like all good things you need to have the right ingredients to make it work.  A great meal, a fantastic desert and many more treats requires the right balance. Having the right ingredients is not only for food but rather for anything we choose to do in life.

What does the perfect enchantment require? A pinch of this and a dash of that. A hint of this and a tad of that. Let’s not forget that all ingredients should be stirred. When we are able to mix all of the key elements and ingredients we want to use we find that even the smallest amounts of something can make everything else seem amazing.

What are some of the ingredients you use for your enchantment?

 

July 25, 2011 | Filed Under happiness, Positive Psychology, The Enchanted Self | Leave a Comment 

Always reaching for that rising star

Isn’t life just grand? If you are like most ordinary people that is not what you say each day. Yes. Life is grand but there are many obstacles that come in our way for letting us see how truly wonderful life really is.

You and I and other people you know have talents. Have you ever heard someone say to someone : “ I didn’t know you could …. How come you never talked about it or have done anything with your talent of….?” Where do our hidden talents remain when we are not using them? Better yet, why are they in hiding?

We are not here to answer the question but rather look for solutions. Do we enjoy dancing, baking, painting and so many other creative ways to express who we truly love to be? Of course! Then what we have to do is find a way to stay in this frame of mind for longer periods rather than just short glimpses of our reality.

Think about it-What is it that enabled you this time to go out of your zone to be and become or do what you truly love to do? Close your eyes… imagine a space that this can be your everyday reality…

July 15, 2011 | Filed Under self-esteem, The Enchanted Self | Leave a Comment 

Is Being Happy Enough? Asks Positive Psychologist, Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein

Watch my latest 4 minute video to see why Being Happy is great but not the whole answer. You can download a free copy of my Seven Gateways to Happiness on the front page of www.enchantedself.com to help you fill in your happiness quotient so you are really on the road to true contentment.

May 18, 2011 | Filed Under Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, happiness, In the News, Positive Psychology, Video | Leave a Comment 

Skype Can Create Connections and Inspire

I am excited to bring you this guest post by Tara Miller. I really believe that technology like Skype will change the ways we get to visit and learn. It is an amazing option to be able to bring an author into a classroom via a tv or computer monitor and chat with her. Who would have thunk it?

Technology has the capability to connect people like never before. Cell phones link us to our loved ones from across time zones and hemispheres. E-mail links us to old classmates, teachers, and friends. Now, Skype sheds light on the possibility of not only providing another form of connection, but one that can inspire as well.

Skype is a software application that functions like a telephone call over the Internet. Video conferencing is also possible with Skype, making it a clearer and better version of chatting with a webcam on your computer. The best part about Skype, however, is that it is a low cost way to make long-distance connections. Calls between Skype users are free, which means that you can chat with someone halfway around the world without racking up expensive phone fees or burning through phone card minutes.

While the technology is certainly handy for friends to keep up with one another, the accessibility of Skype and its low costs also make it a perfect candidate for utilization in classrooms and businesses. Conference calling technology is already commonly used in classrooms to bring guest lecturers in to speak with students, but Skype can widen the scope of possible guest speakers because the guest lecturers would not need to be in the same time zone. In fact, the low cost of making international connections means that nearly any professional can participate in a Skype session, even those who live in another country. As an added bonus, those hosting and participating in Skype sessions would not have to be well-trained in technology, as Skype is refreshingly simple to set up.

By bringing authors into libraries through Skype, professionals into classrooms, experts into offices, and speakers into club meetings even if they are thousands of miles away, the audience can meet and get to know more of these people. For a child in a classroom, a simple Skype session with an astronaut, international business man, scientist, book editor, or politician can inspire them to consider careers they never before felt was within their reach. A regular Skype session with a club president can also help club members feel like their chapter is being acknowledged, inspiring them to keep giving their all in club activities. All in all, this type of technology can bring people and the feeling of possibility closer together.

By-line:This guest contribution was submitted by Tara Miller, who regularly writes for psychology degree. She especially loves hearing back from her readers. Questions or comments can be sent to: miller.tara23@gmail.com.

March 22, 2011 | Filed Under Uncategorized | Leave a Comment 

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  • The Seven Gateways of Happiness for Women

    Using the Seven Gates to Happiness, you can increase self esteem, find inspiration, increase optimism, experience positive feelings and finally achieve the state known as 'enchantment'.

    1. Discover and honor your talents, strengths, coping skills and potential

    2. Love the story of your live and find ways to fall in love with who you are

    3. Learn how to get your needs met

    4. Take time to replenish, to enjoy life, and to find meaning and purpose everyday

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    7. Live generously. Do positive actions and good deeds

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    The Happiness for Women Only! series focuses on different age groups as seen below. We take a look at happiness as viewed through the lenses of The Seven Gateways to Happiness. 

    Dr. Barbara hosts this series, accompanied by her two outstanding guests: Dr. Sandra Prince-Embury, nationally know resiliency expert and author of The Resiliency Scales for Children and Adolescents and Martha Trowbridge, author of books on Inspiration For Women in Crisis.

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