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A Taste of Enchantment - February 15, 2004

"Dedicated to helping you find delight and feel good about yourself."


Produced by Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, Psychologist, Happiness Coach,

and Originator of THE ENCHANTED SELF®







... to the mid-month publication of TheEnchanted Self's e-newsletter! This month, I would like to continue with my seven-part series on the Gateways to ENCHANTMENT. Over the next months, at least once a month, we will take a close look at each Gateway, learning how traveling through each one can lead to you living a life of delight, purpose and meaning while feeling good about yourself!

You will also find a special invitation to another free tele-class below, as well as information on our new enchanted purses!

Last time we explored the second Enchanted Self Gateway. If you need to read a copy of any of the previous gateways, you can read them from my web site by following this link: http://www.enchantedself.com/eletterarchives.htm


Gateway Three: Learning to Meet Our Needs and Negotiate Successfully
By Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein

There's nothing more demoralizing than a woman who does not know how to speak up for herself, who doesn't have a voice for herself. When we feel ignored or not understood, we can feel rage and anger building.

So often as women we find ourselves in a predicament where we don't know how to speak up. We simply don't know how to negotiate for what we want. While sometimes it's a cultural attitude that we've taken on, for instance that women should be demure, quiet, and modest, often it's due to a lack of understanding the appropriate skill-set necessary for negotiating effectively. All of these factors put a tremendous pressure on our true capacities.
Our future happiness or fulfillment is restricted simply because we don't know the right road to get there.

Learning how to meet our needs and how to negotiate appropriately is a lot of work, but the satisfaction far outweighs the work. When you have been able to speak with integrity to a husband, mother-in-law or a boss, when you have been able to finish a level of training that moves you ahead professionally, you're really living your Enchanted Self. You feel as special as you deserve to feel. It's worth every moment of effort.

Case Vignette
Deborah had been hiding the bookshelves under her side of the bed for so long, she couldn't remember how many years they had been there.

Why were they under the bed? Because when she had brought them home, pretty and ornate with fancy wrought iron underpinnings, her husband had belittled the purchase and belittled her. "Those were stupid purchases," he had said. "They're too ornate. They're flimsy. They'll fall off the wall. You don't even know how to put them up. And don't
think I'll help you." Finishing his tirade, he had turned around and stormed out of the room.

Deborah felt devastated. Not only had she believed they were perfect for the family room, but they had reminded her of some lovely built-in mahogany shelving that her grandmother used to have. But apparently that was then and this was now. It obviously didn't fit into "now." Her husband had just told her so.

Back in therapy, Deborah confronted once again some of the pain and inertia she had been living with, as well as the pain that was a result of the negative interactions that had continued between her husband and herself. She was determined to move ahead emotionally and to finally gain some resiliency.

While she wasn't ready to leave her husband, she was ready to put up those shelves. One day she took them out from under her side of the bed, brought them into the hardware store and obtained the appropriate advice and necessary hardware.

Much to her satisfaction, when she put the shelves where she had wanted to so many years ago, not only were they securely placed, but they really pulled the family room together. The finishing touch to the room was putting things on the shelves that had actually come from her grandmother's beautiful apartment. The last item, a photograph of her grandmother as a young girl, made the shelves fully come to life.

She waited in slight trepidation for her husband to remark about her enterprise. She said nothing, and interestingly enough he said nothing either for many weeks, seeming not even to notice them. He finally did comment on them, saying, "Oh, those look nice."

While it still wasn't a perfect marriage, and the shelves had slept much too long under the bed, Deborah was much happier that she had finally begun to meet her needs.

A Positive Activity for You
Think about different situations that you're in where you may need to meet your needs or learn to negotiate for them more successfully. Pick a situation that you probably can handle more effectively than you now are, without having to make a great deal of change in your life.

Perhaps you would like to negotiate more successfully with your husband about which restaurant to go to the next time you go out. Think about some of the ways that you can make clear what your needs are, and what you are willing to give in return if there has to be some compromising or conceding. When it's timely, go ahead and practice being clearer about whatever the situation is that you have chosen to discuss. And don't get discouraged. Remember that learning to speak up clearly and directly on our own behalf takes practice.




Please give us the pleasure of sharing your responses.  They may be posted on the web site or in future issues of the newsletter.  You can also chat about this topic or create your own in The Enchanted Self e-group at the following URL: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/encself


Free Tele-class
Topic: The Seven Gateways to ENCHANTMENT
Host: Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein
Date: February 23, 2004
Time: 9:00 pm EST

This free tele-class will cover practical ways to begin to walk through each Enchanted Gateway so that you can flourish in mind, body and spirit!  You will begin the process by …

  • Getting to know yourself in positive ways–What’s right about yourself, not wrong!

  • Beginning to fall in love with yourself–Appreciating the story of your own life and seeing your own talents and potential!

  • Better meeting your needs–Learning how to negotiate successfully for what you want.

  • Replenishing more often–Rediscovering what gives you pleasure and joy and insisting on building it in.

  • Fighting the blues successfully–Not isolating, finding community to belong to that fits who you are.

  • Sharing wisdom–Recognizing the teacher in each of us and giving and receiving freely knowledge.

  • Taking positive action–Having the courage to put positive plans into action, not just your imagination.

Dr. Holstein will draw on her tremendous knowledge of positive psychology, while sharing stories from her treatment room and her own journeys in personal growth.

To register for this class send an e-mail response to encself@aol.com putting in the subject line 'free teleclass.' You will be mailed back call in instructions.


Enchanted Purses for Wise, Wonderful Women
These purses are meant to travel around the world with women who share their wisdom, special thoughts, hopes, dreams, and enchanted moments with each other and the world via The Enchanted Self. There are prizes and fun as we start a Woman's Wisdom Archive. Come and be part of it!  For more information go to: http://www.enchantedself.com/purses.asp


How to Order

Come to my order page for a delightful assortment of inspirational gift items for you and your loved ones for the holidays! Simply go to my ordering page on my site at www.enchantedself.com/ordering.htm


There you can also order my new version of RECIPES
FOR ENCHANTMENT, The Secret Ingredient is YOU! It is inexpensive and fun! You pick the script style and the cost is only $2.95. Why not inspire a friend, relative or yourself this new year with a book that doesn't require getting to a book store or waiting for the post?


Free gifts are also available! Simply go to www.enchantedself.com/freeitems.htm


Forwarding & Reprinting

(C) 2000-2004 Copyright The Enchanted Self – All rights reserved.  Please feel free to pass this issue on to someone who might enjoy it.  The Enchanted Self Newsletter is copyrighted but may be quoted, reprinted, or distributed in whole or part without prior permission, provided the content is not changed and attribution is given including:


Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein



I also encourage you to include this material in other publications, such as self-healing and professional psychology newsletters. However, I do ask that you contact me beforehand for permission and send a sample issue.


To learn more about THE ENCHANTED SELF(R) – An Educational Approach to Positive Psychology, please contact me or visit my web site.

Have an "enchanting" month.  I wish you all many enchanted moments!