... to the mid-month publication of TheEnchanted Self's
e-newsletter! This month, I would like to continue with my seven-part series on
the Gateways to ENCHANTMENT. Over the next months, at least once a month, we
will take a close look at each Gateway, learning how traveling through each one
can lead to you living a life of delight, purpose and meaning while feeling good
You will also find a special invitation to another free tele-class below, as
well as information on our new enchanted purses!
Last time we explored the second Enchanted Self Gateway. If you need to read a
copy of any of the previous gateways, you can read them from my web site by
following this link:
Gateway Three: Learning to Meet Our Needs and Negotiate Successfully
By Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein
There's nothing more demoralizing than a woman who does not know how to speak up
for herself, who doesn't have a voice for herself. When we feel ignored or not
understood, we can feel rage and anger building.
So often as women we find ourselves in a predicament where we don't know how to
speak up. We simply don't know how to negotiate for what we want. While
sometimes it's a cultural attitude that we've taken on, for instance that women
should be demure, quiet, and modest, often it's due to a lack of understanding
the appropriate skill-set necessary for negotiating effectively. All of these
factors put a tremendous pressure on our true capacities.
Our future happiness or fulfillment is restricted simply because we don't know
the right road to get there.
Learning how to meet our needs and how to negotiate appropriately is a lot of
work, but the satisfaction far outweighs the work. When you have been able to
speak with integrity to a husband, mother-in-law or a boss, when you have been
able to finish a level of training that moves you ahead professionally, you're
really living your Enchanted Self. You feel as special as you deserve to feel.
It's worth every moment of effort.
Deborah had been hiding the bookshelves under her side of the bed for so long,
she couldn't remember how many years they had been there.
Why were they under the bed? Because when she had brought them home, pretty and
ornate with fancy wrought iron underpinnings, her husband had belittled the
purchase and belittled her. "Those were stupid purchases," he had said. "They're
too ornate. They're flimsy. They'll fall off the wall. You don't even know how
to put them up. And don't
think I'll help you." Finishing his tirade, he had turned around and stormed out
of the room.
Deborah felt devastated. Not only had she believed they were perfect for the
family room, but they had reminded her of some lovely built-in mahogany shelving
that her grandmother used to have. But apparently that was then and this was
now. It obviously didn't fit into "now." Her husband had just told her so.
Back in therapy, Deborah confronted once again some of the pain and inertia she
had been living with, as well as the pain that was a result of the negative
interactions that had continued between her husband and herself. She was
determined to move ahead emotionally and to finally gain some resiliency.
While she wasn't ready to leave her husband, she was ready to put up those
shelves. One day she took them out from under her side of the bed, brought them
into the hardware store and obtained the appropriate advice and necessary
Much to her satisfaction, when she put the shelves where she had wanted to so
many years ago, not only were they securely placed, but they really pulled the
family room together. The finishing touch to the room was putting things on the
shelves that had actually come from her grandmother's beautiful apartment. The
last item, a photograph of her grandmother as a young girl, made the shelves
fully come to life.
She waited in slight trepidation for her husband to remark about her enterprise.
She said nothing, and interestingly enough he said nothing either for many
weeks, seeming not even to notice them. He finally did comment on them, saying,
"Oh, those look nice."
While it still wasn't a perfect marriage, and the shelves had slept much too
long under the bed, Deborah was much happier that she had finally begun to meet
A Positive Activity for You
Think about different situations that you're in where you may need to meet your
needs or learn to negotiate for them more successfully. Pick a situation that
you probably can handle more effectively than you now are, without having to
make a great deal of change in your life.
Perhaps you would like to negotiate more
successfully with your husband about which restaurant to go to the next
time you go out. Think about some of the ways that you can make clear what
your needs are, and what you are willing to give in return if there has to
be some compromising or conceding. When it's timely, go ahead and practice
being clearer about whatever the situation is that you have chosen to
discuss. And don't get discouraged. Remember that learning to speak up
clearly and directly on our own behalf takes practice.
Please give us the
pleasure of sharing your responses. They may be posted on the web site or in
future issues of the newsletter. You can also chat about this topic or create
your own in The Enchanted Self e-group at the following URL:
Topic: The Seven Gateways to ENCHANTMENT
Host: Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein
Date: February 23, 2004
Time: 9:00 pm EST
This free tele-class will cover practical ways to begin to walk through
each Enchanted Gateway so that you can flourish in mind, body and spirit!
You will begin the process by …
Getting to know yourself in positive ways–What’s
right about yourself, not wrong!
Beginning to fall in love with
yourself–Appreciating the story of your own life and seeing your own
talents and potential!
Better meeting your needs–Learning how to
negotiate successfully for what you want.
Replenishing more often–Rediscovering what gives
you pleasure and joy and insisting on building it in.
Fighting the blues successfully–Not isolating,
finding community to belong to that fits who you are.
Sharing wisdom–Recognizing the teacher in each of
us and giving and receiving freely knowledge.
Taking positive action–Having the courage to put
positive plans into action, not just your imagination.
Dr. Holstein will draw on her tremendous knowledge
of positive psychology, while sharing stories from her treatment room and
her own journeys in personal growth.
To register for this class send an e-mail response to
firstname.lastname@example.org putting in the
subject line 'free teleclass.' You will be mailed back call in
Enchanted Purses for Wise, Wonderful Women
These purses are meant to travel around the world with women who share their
wisdom, special thoughts, hopes, dreams, and enchanted moments with each other
and the world via The Enchanted Self. There are prizes and fun as we start a
Woman's Wisdom Archive. Come and be part of it! For more information go
How to Order
Come to my order
page for a delightful assortment of inspirational gift items for you and your
loved ones for the holidays! Simply go to my ordering page on my site at
There you can also
order my new version of RECIPES
FOR ENCHANTMENT, The Secret Ingredient is YOU! It is inexpensive and fun! You
pick the script style and the cost is only $2.95. Why not inspire a friend,
relative or yourself this new year with a book that doesn't require getting to a
book store or waiting for the post?
Free gifts are also
available! Simply go to
Forwarding & Reprinting
Copyright The Enchanted Self – All rights reserved. Please feel free to pass
this issue on to someone who might enjoy it. The Enchanted Self Newsletter is
copyrighted but may be quoted, reprinted, or distributed in whole or part
without prior permission, provided the content is not changed and attribution is
Dr. Barbara Becker
THE ENCHANTED SELF®
I also encourage
you to include this material in other publications, such as self-healing and
professional psychology newsletters. However, I do ask that you contact me
beforehand for permission and send a sample issue.
To learn more about
THE ENCHANTED SELF(R) – An Educational Approach to Positive Psychology, please
contact me or visit my web site.
Have an "enchanting" month. I wish you all many enchanted moments!