Weekly Blessing

I wish you wonderful adventures, pleasures beyond counting, and most of all, I wish that every day of your life, you feel centered, whole, and that being you is the most fabulous adventure of all.

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September 26, 2008 | Filed Under Blessings | Leave a Comment 

Fantasy Vacations – Our Need for Replenishment

Recently, in a women’s therapy group that I run, the desire for fun and a change of pace over took me. I suggested that we deviate from some of our typical work and instead go around the room imagining a vacation treat designed to suit each woman’s desires.

It was fascinating to see how many marvelous vacation ideas quickly emerged. One woman wished to go to Mexico and South America to view the ruins and lie on the sun in beautiful beaches. Another woman wished to go to Greece and see the ancient ruins there and then slowly make her way through Europe. This could take a leisurely period of time, perhaps even a year. Another also wanted to go to Europe but to do other things, such as take gourmet cooking classes in the South of France and become somewhat fluent in several languages. Another woman opted for spas and other experiences to bring vitality to her body and ultimately her spirit. One person was in reality making plans to go to several meditative retreats over the next few months.

I was fascinated as each woman spoke and realized two things. First, I would have been a happy companion on any of the presented vacations. Each one sounded fulfilling, energizing and provided a change that would be good for me, as well as the person who thought of it.

Secondly, I realized how much each woman, no matter what her background or problems, yearned for change, adventure, getting to know strangers and other places, no matter how burdened by daily problems of relationships, children, money, etc.

How unique we all are — that’s for sure! Each vacation was strikingly different from the others, and yet how universal so many of our needs for replenishment are.

I hope you’ll take a few minutes now that spring has arrived fantasize to day dream about a wonderful vacation that you can create, at least in your mind. Take the adventure.

Please pass along your wonderful vacation ideas to us. I know we’ll all be stimulated and enjoy our magic carpets! Bon Voyage!

Part 2 – A Play Date With Vacation Ideas

Take a moment and jot down three fantasy spring or summer vacations you would love to take, if money and time were no object!
•         Where would you go?
•         Who would go with you?
•         What would you like to do?
•         How long would you like to be away?
•         What would you enjoy seeing … experiencing … discovering?
•         What would be the highpoint of your trip?

Enjoy your fantasy vacations. If you wish, go further and get some information on these places.
•         Would you like at least one to come true?
•         What steps would be necessary?

I leave the rest up to you — whether you simply daydream or bring about a new reality I wish you refreshing, fun thoughts.

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September 22, 2008 | Filed Under Published Articles | 1 Comment 

Favorite Blessing

May you have 20/20 foresight, as well as 20/20 hindsight, and may all of your life choices nestle sweetly in your heart and fondly in your memory.

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September 19, 2008 | Filed Under Blessings | Leave a Comment 

Wow, Goats in Los Angeles-This is Enchantment

Last night I saw on TV that a 100 goats are busily eating brush and grass in Los Angeles.  They are not adding any smog to the air and they cost much less than all the lawn mowing equipment that would be necessary to do the job.  And they are friendly and happy!  I love this story.  It brings back fond memories of the one and only time I went to a farm when I was a kid.  Karen’s mother’s family had a farm and one beautiful sunny summer day, Karen’s mom took us to the farm.  We got to see all the animals, including the barn cats which were probably my favorite.  I loved the peaceful way I felt that day.  See the goats on the hillside in crowded Los Angeles gave me also a happy feeling.  I felt good that people are trying to go ‘green’  even in such a busy, dense city.  I felt happy that the people could be cheered up by looking at and talking to the goats.  And I felt a rich feeling around my heart that happens to me when ‘good’ is going on, rather than ‘bad.’  Do you know that sensation around your heart?  It is part of living a life of meaning and experiencing happiness.   Thanks to whomever brought the goats to Los Angeles.  And long live the goats !

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September 18, 2008 | Filed Under Fond Memories that Enhance Happy Feelings, Inspirational True Stories, Recipe For Happiness | Leave a Comment 

Was She an Angel?

Welcome to a world where happiness is a possible mental and emotional state at least a good part of the time.  Welcome to the Enchanted Self Positive Psychology Concepts where I teach you how to generate a life worth living that has meaning, value and integrity for you.  Unique to your mental wellness needs which may be different from any other person alive!  How do we overcome adversities that are part of life and still experience positive emotions most of the time?  The answers to the above are complex and full details can be found in my first book, The Enchanted Self, A Positive Therapy.  However, one of the ways is to feel open to the concept of miracles.  When we see our universe as having great positive potential, and even the capacity for miracles, we are uplifted and hopeful.  I’m sharing a great miracle story with you today.  This is not a made up story!  Enjoy it and let it help you come closer to your own personal Enchanted Self!
by Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein
 
Many years ago, Annie’s* great uncle, a furrier in the lower East Side of New York, was busy helping customers in his shop. The end of the day was coming quickly. Although eager for business, he was also eager to close his store, lock up and make his way through the crowds to his train. He was a man of precision and routine and always made a certain train. In fact, he always sat in a certain car. He would then take out his reading glasses, indulge in his daily newspaper’s late edition, relax and look forward to his loving wife waiting with a nourishing evening meal.

He had just breathed a sigh of relief as the last customer left, when an attractive older woman walked into the shop. Uncle Morris immediately felt a wave of anxiety. How could he be generous of spirit, perhaps give this woman all the time she needed, and yet still make his train? How could he explain that he needed to make his train? After all, a businessman is in business. She might only assume that one would stay open for a prospective customer.

Uncle Morris was plagued by these thoughts as he graciously began to assist the lady. Quickly it became apparent that this very lovely, older woman, beautifully attired in the finest woolen coat and hat, with fur trim and elegant long leather gloves was serious about a purchase of an expensive fur coat. She asked many relevant questions. She wanted to know the different types of pelts available, the styling that different pelts lent themselves to, the cost factor and the time factor in having a coat custom made.

Morris became more and more aware of the feeling of perspiration building up under his shirt collar. He was now acutely aware that he would probably miss his train. Suddenly, as he was feverishly working out the price of several different models for the customer, he looked up from his pad of paper. He noticed how much she resembled his dear departed mother. There was an uncanny resemblance. Something about her smile and her expression–especially the eyes!

Somehow this softened his heart as he felt a surge of love for his dear, departed mother.

His mood changed. He found himself intent upon helping this woman and quickly forgot his anxiety symptoms. He taught her a little bit about the different pelts. He showed her samples and gave her even more estimates. He stopped thinking about the time.

Ultimately she asked him to price a certain type of pelt in a certain style coat. She said that she would come back after he phoned her with the information and make the down payment. She gave him her phone number, thanked him profusely and left the store, with a smile and a nod goodbye.

As she left Morris glanced at his watch and of course without question, he had long missed his train. Still, he had enjoyed her company–and her smile! He put the information safely in a drawer, turned off the lights, double locked the door, brought down the steel safety window grid, set the alarm and walked to the train. He knew there was one in a half an hour that he would comfortably make.

He was astounded to find out that when he arrived at the train station that he would not be going home via the train. There were loud announcements telling people to go outside and instead take buses which would shortly be arriving.

Why? He couldn’t believe this. He was in shock as he learned that the train that he normally took, including the car that he normally sat in, had met with a terrible accident. There were many fatalities.

As he rode the bus home that night, he was trembling inside, so relieved to have been forced to take a later train ride.

A week or so later, Morris had checked on the pelts and the type of fur that the elegant, older lady had requested. He was ready to call her with the exact cost. He picked up the phone, dialing the number that she had left, only to be told by the operator that the number was not in service. “Oh well,” he thought to himself, “perhaps one of the digits is off even though she wrote it down herself for me. Let me check her name and address.”

He proceeded to do this and was told that there was no such address. He placed the receiver down, perplexed. He slowly formulated a thought that at first seemed impossible but then seemed close to probable. “That woman saved my life.” He said to himself. “It’s very odd that now she doesn’t seem to exist. Also, if she hadn’t looked like my mother, I probably would have been less polite. I might have even rushed her out and made every effort to make my train. I wonder if she was sent here by God to protect me?”

*names changed as requested.

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September 16, 2008 | Filed Under Published Articles | Leave a Comment 

Favorite Blessing

May you always be able to enjoy yourself.
May you be able to perceive yourself in a positive light, combining your perception of yourself with a world view that permits fun, replenishment and good times. May you have the courage to play.

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September 12, 2008 | Filed Under Blessings | Leave a Comment 

Becoming an Enchanted Self

How do we obtain a life worth living?  How do we overcome adversity?  How can we experience positive emotions?  How do we stay in good mental health?  These are serious questions and to briefly answer them would be unfair to the reader.  But I can say as a positive psychologist, working in the treatment room with clients for almost thirty years, there is a kind of mental magic that you do need to be in touch with and learn how to utilize.  No, it is not the same kind of fairytale magic that Cinderella, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs represent, although certainly a trip to Disney World can be good for our mental health

Rather, I would say to you, “remember the magic” — the magic that exists within you. I call this your “personal magic.” Discovering your personal magic is as wondrous as watching the magic performed by magicians. The magician appears before us and eloquently recites a magic spell. With a flick of the wrist, people, animals, and objects disappear, and then reappear. Actually, we are all magicians. We can all conjure up magical moments from our past; and reinvent them in new and different ways that will have a positive and meaningful effect on our lives. It is not as easy as when Mary Poppins reaches into her magic carpet bag and pulls out a spoonful of sugar. Yet it is not hard. It just takes some learning, effort, and time.
For example, you may have positive memories relating to the summer season. Perhaps you stayed with grandparents at the shore, collected shells and caught fireflies. Or maybe you were the child who loved to fish or filled your days playing Monopoly on the porch with friends.

Reinventing these magical moments may mean buying or planting flowers, taking a horticultural class, learning to play bridge, going camping or sailing, or even spraying scented fragrances in your home that remind you of your grandparents garden.
For some of us, finding our own personal magic is a more difficult pursuit. It is similar to the magician who attempts to escape or separate from his or her locks and chains while trapped inside the confines of a small box. Many of us have experienced dysfunction or pain in our lives that may impede or prevent us from achieving states of well-being. For instance, Cinderella came from a dysfunctional household. Within all the turmoil and abuse her stepmother and stepsisters imposed upon her, she still managed to hold onto her hopes and dreams. She could separate from her misery with the help of her animal friends, focusing on things that gave her pleasure and joy. Meeting Prince Charming may not be high on your list of hopes and dreams, but having a fulfilling relationship with a spouse or friend may be.

Let’s get back to your ‘personal magic.’ Why not call that special friend that has been on your mind or arrange an evening out with your spouse? Why not get dressed up, go out to dinner or spend some quality time with someone?  And that someone can even be yourself.  Summer is a lovely season to simply be outside with those we care about. Why not go for a walk with someone special? These are all ways of recapturing the magic inside you.  How about going to the library or popping onto Amazon and getting yourself a read novel or inspirational book for summer reading?  Yes, this is your season. 
Cherish your rights to today.  And whenever in doubt as to what to do to have pleasure just look into your own treasure chest of memories and grab out a gem, i.e. something you have enjoyed in the past.  If you want to and can do it again, great.  If not, find a way to magically re-invent the interest so it fits you now.  You can do it!

Like the genie in Aladdins Lamp, You too possess magic. When You grant yourself permission to remember the magic that exists within you, you are well on the road to discovering your ENCHANTED SELF.

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September 8, 2008 | Filed Under Published Articles | Leave a Comment 

A Whiff From A Refrigerator Sent Me Back to a Delicious Part of Childhood

Here is an intersting experience I had. I was in the local health food store and opened a refrigerator door to get some cheese. All of a sudden I was aware of the most wonderful whiff of an odor-it seemed almost magical. It was out of the blue, creating a universe of feeling for me that hadn’t existed a minute ago. I had no idea where it was coming from. I didn’t know if it was from one of the cheeses, or all of them combined. All I knew is that I had to keep the door open and keep smelling. I just hoped the manager wouldn’t come over and ask me to clost the door. I knew it was wrong to waste the cold temperature, but I had to indulge in the aroma.

What was that magical whiff? It took me back immediately to a particular candy and luncheon place in Coolidge Corner, Brookline, Ma. I was about 8-10 years of age. That aroma lingered in St. Claire’s Restaurant. I know it. But I don’t know what created the aroma in that restaurant. I didn’t eat cheese there. Usually I had a tunafish sandwich and coffee jello or coffee icecream for dessert.

I will say that St. Claire’s was one of the most magical places I was taken to as a child. It was better than the Far East Chinese restaurant or the luncheonette at Reid’s department store. It was a bit of heaven of earth. Why? Well, for one thing it always had this wonderful, welcoming aroma that, now that I think about it, may have been the combination of delicious fresh chocolates and other treats such as gourmet lollipops in the shapes of animals and trains in the front of the restaurant. Big lollipops that lasted a long time, and sugar candies, in different colors, white, pink, yellow, that became smooth and succulent in your mouth as the granules dissolved. Oh, it was heaven.

The aroma was always there as soon as we walked in. All we had to do was open the big old mahagony door. I can’t believe I’m having such an enchanted moment, standing with a refrigerator door open in a health food store! I’ve been drawn back into a feeling of ecstasy, yet neither now nor then do I know exactly what the smell is coming from.

So like the true wanderer, I must remain on my quest. If I can’t figure out the aroma, at least I can come back to the health food store next week and open up the door once more!

Who would have thought I would discover a time machine in a health food refrigerator?

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September 7, 2008 | Filed Under Fond Memories that Enhance Happy Feelings, Positive Psychology for Women, Positive use of Memory, Women's Happiness | Leave a Comment 

Favorite Quote

Favorite Quote

“…one needs to make three resolutions: Be careful not to
Become angry. Do not become tired and do not feel a
need to complete the work one is starting.”
…Rabbi Salanter

~*~

Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein

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September 5, 2008 | Filed Under Blessings | Leave a Comment 

Check out Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein quoted in a major national article on Happiness, On The Edge: The Happiness Craze

On The Edge: The Happiness Craze
August 20, 2008
by Linda Formichelli
A new wave of books about a timeless topic hope to help you—and their eclectic authors—live a better life.

Happiness isn’t a new concept—Aristotle wrote about the topic more than 2,300 years ago and Thomas Jefferson included the “pursuit of happiness” as an unalienable right in the Declaration of Independence—but authors have been flocking to the subject in recent years, unleashing numerous prescriptions for well-being and joy that readers have eagerly purchased.

Why has happiness, or rather the promise of happiness, become such a hot commodity? Even with the downturn in the real estate market and the credit industry, aren’t we already better off than any of our ancestors?

In fact, our financial success has proved to be a mixed blessing, says Marci Shimoff, author of Happy for No Reason: 7 Steps to Being Happy from the Inside Out. “We aren’t splitting logs for a living any more,” she says, “so we have more freedom to explore the topic of happiness. We set numerous goals for ourselves along the lines of ‘I’ll be happy when I find a new job or a new husband or lose 20 pounds.’ Then people achieve the goals that they wanted and still find that something is missing. After a while, you realize you can’t continue to think that the next thing you obtain will finally make you happy.”

Gretchen Rubin, whose book The Happiness Project will be published in 2009, came to the same conclusion after realizing she’d been focusing on everything but the topic at hand. “I was riding in a cab and had a moment of reflection, thinking about what I really wanted out of life. It occurred to me that my top priority was to be happy, but I had never given any thought to what I could do to be happier.”

Finding your happy place

Just as happiness means different things to different people, the authors writing about happiness have approached the topic from multiple points of view. Rubin, for example, is taking the transformative approach of Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love or A. J. Jacobs’ The Year of Living Biblically—she’s documenting a year of her life spent searching for happiness through every recorded method she can find. “I’m not going to move to India or Walden,” she says, “but I did want to go about it in some systematic way.”

Rubin, the author of four books and a former lawyer who clerked under U.S. Supreme Court Associate Justice Sandra Day O’Connor, started reading scientific writings about happiness, pop culture texts and thinkers of the ages. Once her agent suggested a blog, she moved The Happiness Project online (Happiness-Project.com) and has been posting almost every weekday since March 2006.

“I had just wanted to see whether I could get it up and running, (but) then it became successful,” Rubin says. “Now I have an identity and am connecting with new people. By writing about happiness every day, I see the nuances that I had missed. It’s made my thoughts deeper and richer.” Most importantly for the future success of her book, she gets feedback from the blog’s readers about which aspects of her research and writing they find to be most important.

One of those researchers whose scientific findings have fueled Rubin’s personal experiments is Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want. “I’ve been doing research on happiness since I was a grad student 18 years ago,” Lyubomirsky says. “Even five years into it, people said that I should write a book because it seemed like a marketable topic.”

Given her academic frame of mind, Lyubomirsky held off on pitching anything for years. “Most research compared people who were happy to those who weren’t as a window into what happiness is,” she says. “Happy people don’t compare themselves with others, for example, or dwell on things. The media would ask, ‘What does this mean for our readers?’ and I would say, ‘I can’t tell you.’ I wasn’t interested in the question.”

Over time, though, she found that a “happiness set point” determined 50 percent of a person’s happiness, and external circumstances (job, family, etc.) accounted for another 10 percent; her research shifted to explore whether and how people can change their happiness levels within that final 40 percent. After appearing in Time magazine in 2005 and being approached by agents, Lyubomirsky spent a year compiling notes before signing with Richard Pine, a literary agent and founding partner of InkWell Management. Says Pine, “I love top-tier psychology, and when someone with as sterling a background in terms of education and research as Sonja comes by, you listen.”

20,000 Chicken Soup servings later

Pine has also represented psychologist Martin Seligman, a founder of positive psychology and the author of Authentic Happiness. Positive psychology flips the traditional practice of psychology—the study of human neurosis—on its head to examine positive characteristics of humanity that make people better.

Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, a licensed psychologist, wrote The Enchanted Self: A Positive Therapy in 1997 when the movement was just beginning. “That book was an instructional book for therapists and their clients to help create the paradigm shift necessary for positive psychology to be practiced in the treatment room,” she says. “I’m interested in how you teach someone to use their mind to retrieve a memory to create happiness in the present and future.”

In addition to teaching the topic, Holstein has been a student of happiness, following the many paths experts are taking to reach readers. “The people coming out of these different fields love humanity and are trying to help others by simplifying their work in order to be understood and be of use to the public,” she says, mentioning spiritual-based writers such as Marianne Williamson (The Age of Miracles), Eckhart Tolle (The Power of Now) and the Dalai Lama (The Art of Happiness); other psychologists like Dan Baker (What Happy People Know) and Daniel Gilbert (Stumbling on Happiness); and more traditional self-help-style motivational authors like Alexandra Stoddard (Happiness for Two) and Jack Canfield (Chicken Soup for the Soul).

Shimoff, co-author of Chicken Soup for the Woman’s Soul and five other Chicken Soup books, considers herself part of the motivational/inspirational camp. “People are starving for inspiration and hope,” she says. “Chicken Soup gave them that, but it didn’t give them any specific things to do in their lives. I read over 20,000 stories while writing these books, so I know the power of the story. I wanted to give inspiration as well as tools to make their lives better.”Dominick V. Anfuso, vice president and editorial director at Free Press, says his company wasn’t looking for another happiness title—its current line-up includes Seligman’s Authentic Happiness and Marcus Buckingham’s Strengths series—but Shimoff’s approach for Happy for No Reason was ideal. “I looked at it like the seven habits of happiness,” he says, referring to bestseller The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. “Marci’s book was a direct seven-step, science-based plan that would go beyond an academic audience to be the everyman and everywoman book on happiness.”

Happiness = sadness?

Although happiness might seem like an overworked field, editors will still be attracted to proposals that offer something different than what’s already been published. Gail Winston, executive editor at HarperCollins, says her interests are in psychology—not necessarily happiness—but Rubin’s pitch for The Happiness Project won her over. “This felt like something original,” she says. “She’s a beautiful writer with a strong voice and a lot of personality on the page, and that’s what drew me to the material.

“There’s always room for a new take,” Winston adds. “Life is complicated, and we’re constantly being deluged with too much information and bad news. People aren’t as happy as they thought they would be, and that dissonance creates a need for new ways to think about happiness.”

When it comes to pitching your own happiness tome, says Lyubomirsky, “you want to draw on your strengths. If you don’t have a background in research, then you’ll have something else.” Those strengths will be a selling point to editors and the audience, which needs to be educated on an author’s background so that they know how to approach an author’s work. For example, editors (and readers) need to know whether to expect a memoir or self-help angle.

Another approach to the happiness trend can be to go against the grain. Eric G. Wilson, an English professor at Wake Forest University, found his own take on the topic by writing Against Happiness: In Praise of Melancholy. “It was partially in response to the trend, but also from my own life, my own experience,” he says. “I’ve always been of a melancholic turn and have felt great pressure to be happy. I wanted to explore the possibility that my melancholy isn’t a bad thing.”

The 19th century British romantics that Wilson studies mined their melancholy for ideas and inspiration, he says, and an agent helped shape his somewhat academic proposal into a more commercial form. “If you’re going to write an against-the-grain type of book, it’s important to be attuned to the trend,” says Wilson, who researched positive psychology and self-help books. “Figure out what points you want to attack, but don’t just come with an argument because it runs counter to the trend. If you’re lucky, your concerns will have cultural significance and you can write the book you want to write.”

You are what you write

Shimoff’s take on happiness runs opposite to Wilson’s, but she shares his belief that dedication and sincerity are essential to writing a worthwhile book. “I wrote the book that I would most want to read,” she says. “When you’re writing on a topic, you’re married to it, so you have to write something you have a passion for. You’re going to be talking about it for months, for years to come.”

Writing about happiness can make you—guess what—happy. If you’re true to your topic, that passion will run both ways; the author will add passion to the research, but the research will also affect the author in positive ways. “Even though I know the research and have been thinking about this for 20 years, writing about it did have an impact,” Lyubomirsky says. “If you spend hours and hours thinking about gratitude or living in the present moment, it rubs off on you in daily life. I felt myself using the strategies that I talk about, looking at my priorities and considering what I’m good at.”

In addition to learning how to live in the moment, Lyubomirsky says writing a trade book might have spoiled her. “It’s much more fun than academic, scientific writing, which is very rigid with rules to follow,” she says. “In some ways, having the rules makes it easier to write, but I really enjoyed the freedom. This was my first time, so I’m sure I have more to learn.” She’s already developing a second book on happiness, one that will explore how people become accustomed to positive experiences. If she needs source material, all she needs to do is look in the mirror—and to her fellow happiness authors—to see how they’ve adapted to success.

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September 5, 2008 | Filed Under In the News, Positive Psychology | Leave a Comment 

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