"You just get to be a girl"

On TV this am 'Samantha', one of th stars in Sex and the City, was being interviewed.  She commented that the movie and the show was so wonderful because "You just get to be a girl!"  She then went on to say that we all want that.  All women want the fun of beautiful clothes and best friends and everything turning out just right.

As a positive psychologist and author of The Truth, I'm a girl, I'm smart and I know everything, I agree with her.  This is a tremendous yearning in women to belong, to have dear friends, to let the playful, girly side of themselves stay alive, even when we grow up.  In fact when a women stops caring for herself in terms of making a nice appearance, often it is a signal that the woman is depressed.  Women are able to laugh, cry and share intensely all sorts of feelings and of course even though we grow up we yearn for happy endings and beginnings in our lives.  And where does all of this begin? 

In girlhood of course.  And that where my book dovetails Sex and the City.  The Truth, I'm a girl, I'm smart and I know everything is a book where you see a girl putting down in writing her understanding of all the wonderful parts of herself so she can hold on to them.  She knows she is smart, can have fun, can solve problems, can fall in love, can have adventures, can be pretty, can star, can have best friends.  She knows all of this in her gut and she is aware that sometimes these capacities get lost as we grow up. 

Samantha and her friends document that we can hold on to the best of ourselves.  And at worst if we loss some of our precious selves we can at least come and borrow the energy they exude and get recharged.  And if we can't look as beautiful as they do, at least we can enjoy looking at them. 

Stay posted for more of the Positive Psychologist's insights on us 'girls'.  Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein

www.enchantedself.com

May 30, 2008 | Filed Under The Truth, I'm a girl, I'm smart and I know everything | Leave a Comment 

I'm Dreaming of Sex and the City!

It is 10:30 PM.  If I am lucky, at 11:30 I'll get to see a re-run of Sex and the City.  It might be from early in the show, or maybe from the middle of the series, or toward the end.  I won't know until it starts.  And I won't even care.  I can go backward and forward in time with the girls and I'm not confused at all.  It actually doesn't seem to matter.  Whereever they are at, I'm at also.  I never saw the series when it was on.  It is only in the last year that I discovered Carrie and her friends.  Many a mediocre day has improved as the clock moved toward midnight because of them.  I'm a positive psychologist and I am determined to figure out why I am so happy when I watch that show.  Let's talk about this subject.  Who else is happy watching the reruns?  Who else can't wait to buy the movie?  I'll be back!!! Got to move fast now on some other chores so I'll be ready to enjoy at 11:30!  Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, www.enchantedself.com

May 29, 2008 | Filed Under Recipe For Happiness | Leave a Comment 

A Small Act of Kindness can mean so Much!

A Daily Dose of Kindness*
Thursday, May 1, 2008
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* Very shortly after my husband died I was shopping in my local supermarket. I paid by credit card and the check-out assistant returned my card and with a smile said "Thank you Mrs. K ——- ".

I think this is the first time that a check-out assistant had bothered to look at my name and address me personally. I was very moved by the seemingly insignificant gesture at a point in my life when I felt very particularly vulnerable.

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*The above remarks were sent in to a wonderful newsletter called A Daily does of Kindness.   How amazing yet true this real event is.  When we are down, the smallest act of kindness can help us feel whole again, part of the community, rather than alone and not feeling connected.  We should all be aware of this truth and make sure that at least once a day we include someone in our conversation, or check in on someone, or give someone a little extra attention.  We won't always know who needs the boost.  But if we give enought of it, we are sure to make someone's day!
 
Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, www.enchantedself.com

May 27, 2008 | Filed Under Recipe For Happiness | Leave a Comment 

Conscious Discussions Talk Radio Show and Guest Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein

I had the pleasure of being interviewed by Lillian on her great show on Blog Talk Radio, www.blogtalkradio.com/consciousdiscussions   The show is archived and you will find it from May 15th, 2008 by going to the above link.  You can download it on your computer, or just listen.

Some of the topics we discussed were:

Different kinds of Psychologists

How a positive psychologist differs from a ‘happiness coach’

Learning how to live a fulfilling life

Burn out -how to prevent it as a professional

My books, including Recipes for Enchantment, The Secret Ingredient is YOU!

and The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything)

Come and listen to the show. It is really good!  Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, www.enchantedself.com

May 19, 2008 | Filed Under Positive Psychology for Women | Leave a Comment 

Happiness Can Be Mysterious in Small Wondrous Ways

ENCHANTMENT ON AN AIRPLANE

We are all composites of so many wonderful facets of potential. We have so many untapped capacities for humor, for pleasure, for doing good in the world, for making a difference, for recreating ourselves again and again.

One brief vignette comes back to me. A few years ago I was talking to a psychologist, Dr. Nancy Bacher, at a conference about THE ENCHANTED SELF, explaining my work, as a positive psychologist, focusing on women and girls, to her. She responded to me by sharing this little story which is now in my own words, but I believe captures what she wished to share.

Dr. Nancy was flying home from Colorado. Once on the plane she found herself without a book and nothing to do. Instead she put on the headphones provided and sat back to try to relax to the classical music. 

Suddenly she had a vision of a young girl dancing. It was wonderful. She was feeling filled with happiness and eagerness as she imagined the young girl, so graceful and light on her feet. Then the music ended. As she listened to the name of the piece, still in a blissfully relaxed state, she realized that she had danced to this music when she was in a dance recital at the ages of four or five. Until this moment on the plane she had totally lost the memory.

So this wasn’t just any girl. This was herself, as a youngster, full of delight. Dr. Nancy told me that she not only enjoyed the experience of the memory, but realized that she wanted to be in touch with more of these positive feelings.

That’s what THE ENCHANTED SELF is all about. 

Next time something mysteriously appeals to you, take the time to reflect.  It may be a whisper deep inside from your very own past!  Savor and enjoy it and see if you want to re-birth it.

Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, www.enchantedself.com

May 17, 2008 | Filed Under Positive Psychology for Women | Leave a Comment 

Womenpower-radio.com, Raven Blair Davis and Positive Psychology for Women

When Raven invited me to be a guest on www.womenpower-radio.com,  I never dreamed how much we would have in common.  Yes, we were both over 40, and both passionate about helping women come into their onw at any age, but getting to know her as we recorded the show which will hopefully air in June, taught we so much more about Raven, myself and the Positive Psychology for Women work I have been doing for 20 years.  Here’s what I mean:  I developed a way of treating and understanding ourselves as women that I call The Enchanted Self.(R)   In this system it is critical to get back to your own passions, interests, talents and even lost potential, usually from childhood. 

In other words, we need to rebirth and follow our dreams.  For example, if I loved food as a child, not only to eat it, but to prepare it and read all I could get hold of, about its nutitional value and how to make it look appealing, I may have lurking inside of me a nutritionist, a chef, another Martha Stewart or simply a person who loves to try new restaurants.  Finding out which I am is part of the maturing process.  And not losing the energy and passion around my childhood interest is my obligation.  Because if I loose the fire in my belly, I may suffer the end product, which for women is often a type of withdrawal that can even lead to feelings of drepression and discouragement.  In other words, we always need to refuel and rediscover ourselves and that process always involves a deep understanding of our unique characteristics and strengths. 

As Raven and I discussed much of the above she told me one of her early childhood dreams that she thought she had to give up.  She loved radio and always wanted to have her own radio station.  (Listen to her whole story, including her adventures as a child, when the interview is posted).  However, the obtaining of a license was just to much for a young woman and she moved on to many other things.  The spark of her dream was still there, though. What happened?  How did she get on the radio!  How did that happen?  It happened in part because the world changed and a new window opened in the universe-the window of the internet radio.  Now she didn’t need a license.  But if Raven hadn’t some how held on to her own dreams she would have walked right by that window and never seen that it was open!

Raven is a perfect example of The Enchanted Self in action.  She re-invented a childhood dream to fit the realities of the present and the potential of the future. 

I was so excited that we got to this actual example in the show.  There is more also that makes her an Enchanted Woman.  Stay tuned for my next remarks about being her guest on www.womenpower-radio.com   Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, www.enchantedself.com

May 15, 2008 | Filed Under Positive Psychology for Women | Leave a Comment 

Dr. Sandra Prince-Embury, Resili ency Expert, Guest on Dr. Holstein's radio show, Kids Tweens and Tenns, A Positive Psychologist Looks at All Three, on www.internetvoicesradio.com

Today, May 12, 2008 Dr. Sandra Prince-Embury was Dr. Holstein’s guest on her radio show, Kids, Tweens and Teens, A Positive Psychologist Looks at all Three on www.internetvoicesradio.com.  This show is recorded and archived and available 24/7 for downloading and as a podcast.  Dr. Prince Embury discussed Dr. Holstein’s new book, The Truth,(I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything).  She mentioned how important the book is for tweens and teens, giving them a model for the skills of self awareness and expression which are so critical for tweens and teens.  The girl is able to verbalize her feelings in her own words and actually speaks so naturally, that the reader feels she is really talking to her.   Her honesty and her capacity to adjust to disappointments, even around the failings of her parents are also important issues for youngsters developmentally. 

Dr. Sandra Prince Embury is a nationally known expert in the field of Resiliency, having developed The Resiliency Scales for Children and Adolescents.  Come and listen to the show!  If you have kids-it is a must! 

May 12, 2008 | Filed Under Positive Psychology, Kids, Tweens and Teens | Leave a Comment 

Never Say Never to Your Talents…..

” Never say never to your talents being birthed. Have twins, have triplets!”
Copyright © 2004 Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein

One of my favorite quotes.  I thought of it while waiting at a doctor’s office!  Enjoy! 

May 9, 2008 | Filed Under Recipe For Happiness | Leave a Comment 

Dreaming of and Still Enjoying Department Stores

Dreaming of Department Stores    by Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein

A few years ago we took a short vacation break that included three nights in London. But where to stay? My husband mentioned hotel names to me that the supplier had offered. I couldn’t help but be intrigued with the name "Selfridge’s". After all, wasn’t that the name of the biggest department store in London? I remembered it being equal to Macy’s in New York City. I said, "Let’s go with that one." And we did.

I was hoping the hotel was close to the department store but I never dreamed it would be so close! It was literally outside the back door of the store — about 50 feet from all the giant food halls that are a part of the store. I was shocked! This was a dream come true. I could wake up and go for breakfast by roaming food halls that brought in delicacies from around the world, and I could stop there after touring and have a snack or lunch, again from anywhere in the world!

Suddenly old memories of my love of department stores floated to mind. I remembered going with my mother to Malley’s in New Haven when I was a young child. I remembered my anticipation as we got off the trolley and neared this glorious store. It was full of giant wrought iron elevators with mahagony trim and  shiny floora and attendants in white gloves and uniforms that took you to each floor. And then there were pneumatic tubes that ran overhead. I loved the sounds of those tubes rushing money and receipts back and forth. I also loved standing in the elevator as the attendant named all the wonderful possible purchases available on each floor! Of course, I was particularly interested in children’s clothes and toys! Yes, let me off at those floors! I couldn’t wait.  Once, when I was about 4 I had a dream about Malley’s.  I dreamed that I was in first grade and the classroom was a Malley’s elevator.  There we were with little desks and chairs, sitting in the elevator.  I loved that dream even though my mother told me that it wasn’t possible to go to school in an elevator.

Later, as I grew older, we moved to Bridgeport and then it was another department store. Reid’s had a lunch counter and my mother always took me for a tuna fish sandwich and/or coffee ice cream. I even got my hair cut there and the toy department was endless. My real dream was to sleep overnight in the toy department! I would hide out with all those wonderful Alexander dolls. This was a dream that went unfulfilled in childhood.

So, here I was as an adult — almost living out an old dream. And live it I did, except instead of tuna fish I ate delicacies from Thailand, and as I lingered over my cafe latte I had a chance to watch people from all over the world pass by. Instead of toys I shopped for cosmetics! It was a lovely experience. Those early memories layered themselves so nicely on top of my ‘adult’ vacation making a three-day hotel stay really something special.

It is a few years later and I can still see all those wonderful rooms filled with gourmet foods in my head.  I wish I was back in London, or I should say, I wish I was back in the department store for a few hours today. 

Have you ever had something positive come around again? Perhaps the shape had changed but the essence was almost the same? If you have, can you share it with us as I did? Or if you can’t think of anything in particular, try to remember several wishes of childhood and think about how they would reinvent themselves now. This can be fun to do and can even lead to a determined effort to finally make an old wish or desire come true.

And interestingly enough, much to my amazement, I had a great department store experienc in Monmouth County the other day.  I went to a Sear’s near us, where they had a Land’s End department. Again, to my amazement, (actually I never expect much from local stores, often having run into indifferent staff and a lack of atmosphere) I was waited on by a charming young man.  He helped me for one hour while we looked at the stock on hand, and also ordered out of the catalog.  He was friendly, humourous, and polite.  He even walked me to the department I needed to go to and introduced me to the salesman there, who was also very polite and helpful.  Although the building was not full of the wonderful noises from the tubes overhead, as Malley’s had been, or the wonderful smells of food as in London, I was drawn back into old feelings of comfort and delight in being in a department store.  I felt as if I had taken a little vacation.  It was all because someone was really nice to me!  And of course, because I have encouraged myself to review and enjoy old pleasant memories!

Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, www.enchanteself.com

May 9, 2008 | Filed Under Positive Psychology for Women | 1 Comment 

Review of The Truth (I'm a girl, I'm smart and I know everything) by Dr. Sandra Prince Embury

Telling the Truth

A Review of The Truth (I’m a girl I’m smart and I know everything)

Review by:  Sandra Prince-Embury, Ph.D.

Author:  The Resiliency Scales for Children and Adolescents

Clinical Psychologist and Family Therapist

      The Truth by Barbara Becker Holstein, Ed.D., positive psychologist, is the secret diary of a ten year old girl.  Although exquisitely simple in form and expression the words of this unnamed girl suggest insights that are clinically and developmentally significant.  Embedded in the journal are messages about childhood that are important for adults to hear, presented in the words of a child.  One such message is the importance of communication for children. 

     The girl telling the Truth identifies and verbalizes her feelings in her own words.  In this way she models skills of self awareness and expression. Children and teens often have difficulty putting feelings into words. It is the absence of these skills

that result in pent up negative feelings expressed in acts of violence when they have reached the boiling point. In The Truth, the girl believes in herself and her own experience, even when the feelings are not positive.  In this way she models self-acceptance.

     Part of the girl’s truth is the discovery that parents and other adults have limitations.  Parental disillusionment is a normal part of development where the youth realizes that parents are vulnerable and not perfect.  For some this process is associated with much anger and acting out behavior, stonewalling parents who “do not have a clue.”  The girl handles her awareness in a more positive way by envisioning future times when she will be able to do things differently.

     Children should be able to communicate honestly about their own experience to responsible adults, especially parents, even about such taboo topics as feelings of infatuation. Conversely, adults should be more authentic in their communication with their children and sensitive to the impact of their communication or lack thereof.    Exposure to conflict between parents often has a negative effect on children that parents do not fully understand. Exposure to parent secrecy or inauthenticity can also result in negative feelings such as “a big giant pit in the bottom of my stomach.” It is these un- processed feelings that form the basis of psychological symptoms.

        Dr. Holstein offers the truth as an expression of positive psychology for young girls.  The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything) is unique in that it is spoken in the words of the girl herself to the young reader. She speaks to the reader like a best friend who is confiding her secrets.  This intimate communication may be amazingly rare in a world of internet and text messaging where truth may be at risk of exposure and embarrassment.  Dr. Holstein has succeeded in expressing the truth in the words of the girl, in a light hearted book that is a quick and easy read.

I’m pleased to present Dr. Prince Embury’s full review for you today.  She really tells ‘the truth’ about what is important psychologically in The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything)  If we don’t want a new generation of ‘mean’ girls, or young girls more engrossed with following the lives of starlets than developing their own interests, talents and potential, than we need to help our kids, tweens and teens learn how to safely express their feelings, emotions and thoughts while becoming fine young people, in touch with who they are and what is special and important to them.  That’s one of the reasons why I wrote this book, which will soon become a series.  We need to look more at development at every stage of growing up.  So in the next book the girl will be 12-13.  Stay tuned!  Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, Positive Psychologist, www.enchantedself.com

    

May 8, 2008 | Filed Under Positive Psychology, Kids, Tweens and Teens | Leave a Comment 

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